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As a child I was always told to sit down sh** up
do not be disrespectful use your manners etc etc etc
Nothing I did was ever good enough no matter how
hard I tried
I was kicked punched stoned locked in a room full of
those creepy crawly things that shall remain nameless
Eventually i left home and moved out into the world
having learnt a very hard lesson of how cruel life is
I learnt how to pretend to make the world think
its cool Im ok I even told people that I had the best family
pffff.
Soon I met my partner eventually we moved in together
that was 22 yrs ago and for most of that time I kept up
the pretense that I was A Ok Joe.
He never knew anything at least that is what he says
We have two kids our son who is 18 and our daughter
who is 16
I often wonder what damage have I done to these kids
I have not ever hurt them physically but what about
their emotional health I know my daughter has issues lots
of them and not little either but is this my doing
or was it going to be no matter what or who her parents were.?
What do I do do I wait for her major fall well yes it seems that this
is exactly what I have to do as the hospital says she is fine nothing
out of the ordinary. I guess if she is "acting" normally when they see
her then there really is nothing they can do. meanwhile my son
who has aspergers syndrome is playing copy the sister
I find it amusing sort of because he just cannot pull it off
as his father says he loves me to much I know this because I see it in his eyes
My last therapy appointment I finally let the flood gates open
well and truely and spent the whole time crying like a baby
did it feel good did it help no not really and it seems that this is all
I want to do lately but the silly part is I cannot cry at home
because I will be told... A) stop being a drama queen
B) stop acting like a baby and so on and the cat will simply lick my face
I always thought that when you got to a certain age and left home
that you had the right to be treated better like a grown up
so why is it that I still feel like a broken child
no mummy no daddy just a nobody is this my fault
is it my pasts fault or is it just the way it will always be
see I am never going to be this mature grown person
like everyone wants me to be I can't I need to be me if I am not true to me
then how can I be true to anyone else do I love me no I do not
but I do not always hate me just the things that I do and or say at times
my anger can get out of control I know this but usually
it is a defense thing bite first ask later or something like that.
I have therapy on Monday and I have a feeling it is going to
be another crying session,think my therapist wants to talk
about the "deep stuff"
Sorry I just realised that I am raving on again
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"Look at me, I'm a tangled puppet--I might be a mess, but I sure can survive."
--4 Non Blondes
"We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay."
--Lynda Barry
"Years Teach Us More Then Books"
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