Thank you all. It is so hard. i know i'm not alone and i thank you for that.

Yes, i was very fortunate to have obtained my medical records several years ago. They go back to when i was about two years old. i also have some records from my birth that i obtained through the state when i requested all non-identifying information during my initial search for my biological mother.

i don't remember having burns on my toes when i was two but it's in the records. It's also interesting what's not in the records. i have one of those school time albums...the kind with envelopes for report cards and annual photos and such. In kindergarten i missed 30 days of school. That's a lot for a 180 day school year. Yet there's nothing in my medical records to indicate i was sick. There's also no notation of my first gyn exam (done by my family doctor--i remember the exam)...i have strong thoughts that it was a post procedural exam disguised as a regular one.

i also obtained my post hysterectomy records. i had that done when i was 27 and it's another source of pain and confusion because i feel my decision to have it done was influenced by my past without my knowing it at the time. This post is already getting long though. i remember my GYN saying to me "there sure was a lot of scarring". This was before i remembered being abused but i remember her saying that to me and i remember looking at her face. (i have lots of moments throughout my life where something is crystalized like that.) Anyway, the records showed a partial salpendectomy (sp) which is a fancy way of saying tubal ligation. This was news to me and i still don't know what that came from. The forced procedure i had done in the mid seventies i wouldn't think would be sophisticated enough. i had several laparoscopic surgeries as an adult...did the doctor have an accident and not tell me? UGH! Too many unanswered questions!

i don't know what the purpose was of saying any of that. Sometimes i just want to run screaming down the middle of the road, ya know?