Quote:
Originally Posted by JayS
Michah,
I think I always had the these symptoms, it's just that they have been getting stronger and stronger. And my childhood was bad enough that I don't like to think about it....ever.
Both my grandmother and mother were committed to the "nut house" for mental illness many years ago, but I have no way of finding out what they had or where they are now, no one will tell me anything.
As for my mood swings, I could be all happy but say if you said something, it doesn't matter what, My mood go's from happy to mad or sad in a split second and I stop talking and get all suspicious on you. I can't seem to control it, it's like someone else is behind the wheel and I'm just along for the show.
I know I need a T badly, but It's not only the thought of what he/she will tell me, It's worrying about what other people will say about me seeing one, I have very low self esteem as it is.
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We all live with big demons don't we? It is infinitley sad.......I am sorry to hear about your family......without a reliable guide and a soft pillow(metaphorically speaking), growing up would have been a VERY difficult time for you......I think you will find that most of us grew up with little of any of the good stuff as well......you are not alone, sweetie.
As for not being the driver of your out of control moods, you CAN learn how to take back the wheel, but you will need help......there is no denying.
We all have low self-esteem at some point......I wondered if I would ever love myself, even just a little bit. I hated myself so much, for so many years that I thought i might die from the weight of loathing and self-flagellation........but you can rise above it, but again, help in this case is invaluable. I could NOT have done it on my own. I would be dead or in jail for sure. Please read a thread I wrote a little while ago on here called "borderline Pride". It is a little ode to my nastiest friend.......
You are doing well......keep going.......have faith in the process.....
