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Originally Posted by my3sns
I have been clean and sober since dec 3 rd 2008 . I know its not a long time , but for me its a lifetime. I have used a variety of different things over the past 30 yrs to avoid life , and although i have had some sober times in the past , this is the first time that i have recognized that i was an addict. Back in 2007 i did a 6 week stint in IOP that was sort of successful , but after 8 months i relapsed, and since then had gone back to using , probably more than ever. In dec of last yr i decided i had to stop yet again , and have done very well , that is up till this past thursday.
My mom is disabled and lives with me . On thursday of last week she had a surgical procedure and was sent home that same day , but sent home with very powerful pain pills (one of my many drugs of choice) . She is unable to get the meds herself , therefore needs my assistance . Anyway since having these meds in the house it has been hell . The first day i tried to do the right thing , but by friday i had stashed 2 of her pills . Since then i have 5 more stashed (so far in the last 2 days she hasnt needed any pain meds and there are about 25 remaining in the script) . I have these pills stashed for one reason and one resaon only .. to use them . But at the same time i dont want to lose my clean time . I dont want to go back to my old habits. On this "quit" i have done this totally on my own , but last night i was so afraid that i would use some of the meds that i decided to look up a number to call NA and did just that . I made it through last night , but now i am struggling once again ... really bad. The lady i talked to last night said that there was a meeting today about 30 miles away and she will meet me and go with me to it , but its not till 8 pm , and thats another 8 hours away! I know the easy solution is to put the meds back and not take them , but its just not that easy. I have such a sense of comfort just knowing that i have something , just in case. UGH I DO NOT WANT TO USE!!!!!
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I have soo been there, and sadly will probaly be there again whe I get off the methadone clinic. I was clean for a year and a half on my own but then something unspeakable happeneded to me, and I had to testify to put a man in jail who did something bad to me, If I had used I would have messed up the whole trial and he would be free right now. SO I went on the clinic, I an not sure if that was the right thing becasue I am trying to come of that and it sucks. I know for me I cant talk to any of my old drug buddies, cuz thats all they where no matter how long I knew them for. It is a trigger for me. I also think back to how I was, even keep the up to 60 rehab wrist bands to remind me of all the nasty places I have been, Remembering every time I walked out of there saying I would never be back. My husband and father ar not supportive, they think I can shake it off! In there words, That coming to my dad who did herion in vietnam, He came back went to a hotel and kicked it in 2 weeks, I was like good for you dad! You did drugs while fighting in a magor war, and did not knoe if you where gonna make it home anyway! It is so different than my kife which has revolved around drugs for 15 years, mainly opiates for about 8 years, That is when things went from bad to worse, That is when my mom passes away for cerosic of the liver from drinking, I turned in to a mess. anyway, I think anyone can do it if they put there mind to it, forget all the statistics, that say like only 10 or 20 % will make it, I dont believe all that. I wish you the best, if you ever want to chat, write me some time. DONT GIVE UP!!! Jillian
hugs from all the people that care about you in your life, I know as addicts we tend to think people dont care, but they do, Jillian