We all live with big demons don't we? It is infinitley sad.......I am sorry to hear about your family......without a reliable guide and a soft pillow(metaphorically speaking), growing up would have been a VERY difficult time for you......I think you will find that most of us grew up with little of any of the good stuff as well......you are not alone, sweetie.

As for not being the driver of your out of control moods, you CAN learn how to take back the wheel, but you will need help......there is no denying.

We all have low self-esteem at some point......I wondered if I would ever love myself, even just a little bit. I hated myself so much, for so many years that I thought i might die from the weight of loathing and self-flagellation........but you can rise above it, but again, help in this case is invaluable. I could NOT have done it on my own. I would be dead or in jail for sure. Please read a thread I wrote a little while ago on here called "borderline Pride". It is a little ode to my nastiest friend.......

You are doing well......keep going.......have faith in the process.....