I got back today after seeing my T. I saw a report that he sent in to the state for my disability paperwork and I read all about "me". I got so upset seeing on paper what a screwed up mess I am emotionally.

I was in his office longer than usual today, almost an extra hour. He was trying to get me to use alternative ways of releasing my anxiety like taking a walk, etc. He doesn't seem to understand that I have no real wish to prolong my life or have a "healthier life"........the motivation to live is gone. I exist on a day to day basis trying not to let the darkness take over completely.

On the outside, I look so together. It is funny really. To look at me, no one would ever believe what goes on in my head. I decided I would try his suggestion and go for a walk when I came back to the hotel.

My husband had added to my stress by yelling and screaming at me because I was there with my T longer than my "scheduled appt". Then he yells because I went to the store and ended up staying and helping with a few things. It was "you weren't scheduled to work, so why were you there?"

I stopped at Walgreens, found out my pdoc wouldn't authorize a refill on one of my meds for my leg and decided to purchase a small knife. I had given my other one to the officers last month.

Anyway, I got back here and could just feel the tension and stress levels rising. I walked to get my dinner and walked back. Sat down at the computer, picked up the knife and just sliced away at my arm.

I filled a napkin with blood and now stupidly I realize that this will be seen at work tomorrow. The "cat" excuse will work this time.........[sigh].

I made two long cuts down my arm, two across the wrist and one across my fingertip. All I want to do is cut more. I called my T's answering service and asked them to get ahold of him and ask him to read his email. I had sent one to him telling him what I had done.

My answer was to focus on ways of releasing or distracting that feeling by taking a walk, reading, etc. And that self-destruction is not good.

Unfortunately, like I told him today.......I cut and bruise myself because I can't do what I want to do - my stupid promise to him. It is getting so incredibly difficult. I told him that I will try it again - that I can guarantee him, it's just a matter of when.

I was never supposed to see my birthday Monday. If he would just release me from my promise, before I break it, it would be so much better. I am trying so hard for his sake, not to break my word.

All the distractions in the world will not stop the urge to SI - only the release of doing it makes me feel better. Geez my arm looks horrible now. Maybe I'll wear a long sleeve shirt tomorrow.

I so need to talk to my T. I keep willing my cell to ring, for him to know that I need his calmness right now. But he is not about to call me at this time of night. He is the only one that has the ability to get me to focus and to calm down.

I feel myself shaking and the anxiety is building. There is no rational reason for these feelings. That crawly feeling with my nerves is there and I just want to break everything all around me.

It's going to be a very long night.

Mary Alice