Weary, yes, it makes one so weary trying to grasp what refuses to hold stil ...
FN HARD!!! Yes. My T used to try to tell me to live with the ambivalence - let her try living with it! Sometimes when it got very, very hard, she would say dissociate from it. But it keeps popping back up, like beach ball that you try to hold under the water.
So, my dear MeSo, could an infection have caused scar tissue on your Fallopian tube? Sorry, I hope I'm not adding another layer, but maybe that would be a bit easier to handle than considering some of your other thoughts.
If you need to keep talking about this, just keep it coming as long as you need to. if safe