Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessika_Smile
Ugh what a conundrum I'm in.
All I keep thinking about is how horrible this is of me. But I haven't felt this good in a REALLY long time.
Synopsis:
3 years ago I started smoking weed on a regular basis. In my eyes it made me feel a lot better. I relaxed, I could be myself, and it just helped my over all out-look on life. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I see a therapist and receive medicine from that. I've never touched any other street drug other than marijuana.
Well 9 months ago I stopped smoking weed due to my mother and boyfriend being completely against it. I'm 24 and still live with my mom. So it was either quit or get out of the house. So I filled my time up with a different addiction; my boyfriend. Well my boyfriend and I have had such a rocky relationship. He's controlling, obsessive, needy, and to some degree abusive. After being with him for only 3 months I became pregnant. Still wasn't smoking weed and thought that was good that I had stopped because now I've become pregnant. I had cravings to smoke but nothing was too overpowering that would've led me to do it. But my tension and stress level has been on the rise since the start of our relationship. And finally it got too overwhelming and I gave in. I started smoking a month ago..... I feel horrible about doing this to my unborn son. I'm 7 months pregnant. The thing is, I've felt so much better mentally. The fighting with my boyfriend has subsided. Before I started going back to weed we would fight almost daily, I had suicidal thoughts almost every week, and I lost a sense of who I was. And now, we haven't fought, no suicidal thoughts, and I'm regaining the things I like to do again. I have a better outlook on life. He's been a better person around me, because I've stood up for myself more. I feel like we talk more, share more and are on the same page now a days. He does not know I smoke, and would be VERY mad if he knew I had started smoking again; especially with his unborn son.
I don't know what to do. I feel horrible for doing this while pregnant, but I can't seem to handle it otherwise. It's weird because this whole pregnancy I had been very on the fence about being a mom to be, but since I started smoking I've gotten very excited and finally looking forward to the future.
I see my therapist every other week and go to group skills; with that I've tried to manage and control my stress and sanity. I want to tell my therapist the truth about me and my smoking again; but I'm afraid of what will happen. Will they put me away? Call the cops? She knows my history and my history of smoking, but now I'm involving another human "my unborn son" and that's when I'm wondering if they'll put me away. But I want to be honest with my therapist and not hide it.
I really rather not hear how crappy of a person I am for doing this because yes I do know this is wrong and I feel horrible for it. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in posting this.
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I have a five year old daughter, and am 30 I was on a methadone clinic when I got pregnant, I came off when I found out, even though the clinic told me it was a bad idea. I stayed clean until two weeks befoe my due date, I did an oxy cotin. I told my DOctor because I was scared it would hurt her, I was lucky that they monitored her and she was ok, they put her on medication to be safe, and I never felt worse. Smoking weed, for people that do drugs like I did, is usually not a bad thing,I dont smoke, cuz I dont like what it does to me, but I also dont do any drugs as a recovering addict. I think you should really try to stop while you are pregnant. I dont know what the exact things it can do to your child. I do know although talking to a therapist is good, ecspeccialy sence you said you where having suicidale thoughts, just so you know if you tell your therpist you are smoking while pregnant by law she is supposed to call child services or she can loose her license. They where called on me for what I did, they are a pain it depends on who they send and who you have to deal with. If I where you I would really just try to stope smoking, from what I know there are not bad physical withdrawels, I went through hell coming off oxy's. I know it can be hard to come off any drug, The main thing is your boyfriend sounds like he is not good to you, if you need to put a substance in your bosy to basically deal with him,,thats not good. I know you cant help you love, but you have to think about your child now. It is a hard thing I just hope you continue to talk to someone about any severe thoughts of hurting your self. I have been there, it is a horrible place to be. If you need someone to talk to, write me anytime, I will write back as soon as I can. try to keep your head up, and really get some help with your relationship. It sounds like that is your trigger. Jillian
