Deep, bottomless, black, overwhelming, hopeless.......i emailed an outreach worker from crisis and counseling yest.....for advice....so i don't do more harm than good. They called....but i was xanax'd and beer'd out cold, but got an email asking me to call...but i can't. One...if i tell them what he's been telling me...he'll get hauled off....i have been taken by c and c by ambulance more than my share of times....i won't do that to him...i finally got him on the phone today, and he SAID he was ok....i just don't know, the things he said....but i WON'T do that to him by surprise, just no. Not without telling him first. Two....i'm really worried....if i WERE to call them....(they know me way too well.....if YOU knew the things iv'e done to myself...what THEY know...) that i would wind up spilling my soul to them....and it would be ME in that ^%@#*&^ ambulance AGAIN. My sister is coming from Col. soon, and i have to be ok....just......ok, just while she's here. Iv'e been nothing but a burden and a worry to family for forever....do you know what it's like...to see their eyes...when they see you in paper clothes, and sedated...I'd rather just quietly give in to these feelings and thoughts...let what happens happen. I guess...i'm just going to keep things to myself, i'm very tired....cold....shakey. The best i can do is try and numb ther pain with whatever i can....and only let myself cry and cut when i know i'm alone......telling NO ONE .....no more attention, no more causing worry and bringing shame to them. I'm done asking for help, and being weak, and needy. I think i just might quit the program and support team too......they catch on to things easily.....no more psych.....team meetings....groups....meds....no more. If i just curl up with this, and become whatever it is to be......i'm so &^%$*&^ tired of crying....of feeling.....of being. I really don't think i was meant to get old, or just go on and on....i'll have no regrets, it's been long enough for someone to just suffer hasn't it??!! I have always believed...some of us were put here to suffer, so others don't have to.....and it's obvious....i am one of those people. But one can only endure for so long....always needing help, always the one who does things wrong....i hurt myself because SO many have already hurt me.....iv'e learned, no one can hurt me like i can. I had better stop here.......i'm sorry, if i tell you any more.....you'll just get disgusted with how weak, and worthless i am. I don't really deserve to get to talk about this stuff......i'm sure whomever reads this will think they can help....or advise me as to whether i need help.....iv'e come to realize....it's gone past that point now. Fighting it just takes too much of what i don't have anymore of. I'm shaking, with tears running down my stupid face....and i think i'll just leave this off here. Sorry.