Thanks everyone, this forum has just again confirmed that it is full of wise, caring people. I honestly do not know where i'd be without it...i don't post a lot but over the years it has really helped knowing i have somewhere to go where people not only give a darn but also have good advice to give!

Trevorzero - i have to say i agree with your assessment of therapists. The few i have met have rarely shown any true understanding of the pain of depression and some seem to do the bare minimum to get through. I have tried in the past to help myself through philosphical understanding, but i often get to the point where i cannot read anymore because it scares me of the extent of my lack of understanding. It seems the more i learn, the more i realise what i don't know! I find that difficult. But i believe you are right about drs, they have their uses but more often than not, are a waste of time.

WeepingWillow - ouch, onto your 6th dr, you must have the patience of a saint! I honestly believe if a person doesn't show any outward signs of being depressed but/and are able to articulate that they are depressed, drs usually assume this means that you 'feel low' not depressed. I'm not really someone that has dramatic displays of emotions, i generally try and cope with it all, so i guess when i say i feel on the edge i kinda expect people to sit up and take notice, and it is crushing when they don't realise how serious i am.
Tell me about the waiting list for therapy. I've been on it before but it took so long i moved cities and was told i had to start all over again. I think i'm still on a waiting list somewhere.
Best of luck with your treatment, i hope this time it is successful and you are able to return to your studies.

Sky - thanks for your support. I guess you are right that after 3 attempts at ADs it probably isn't going to be the best course of action again. I have been in private therapy for 5 months, i cannot say it is that helpful. Perhaps it is my therapist, but most probably it is my anger issues that cause the problem. I know the anger is a component of the depression but it isn't something i have had to deal with for years. The last time i became irrationally angry was when i was a teenager. I feel as though i've taken 3 steps backwards! I want to say that my thinking is irrational, i truly do, but everything seems so bleak it is difficult to think anything else.
((((Sky)))) Take care of yourself, it sounds like you are under a great deal of stress at the moment.

Wind - thankyou for your care and concern, it means a lot! I really hope that you are right because each day is a real burden at the moment. (((hugs)))

Soidhonia - you're absolutely right, i have lots of issues regarding control. I'm incrediably good at reading other peoples body language and facial expressions and thus can easily manipulate situations to avoid things i want to. It took yrs for my own parents to realise this but they are now more able to know when i'm doing this. This can be both frustrating and/or liberating, depending on how exhausted i am. For me in the short term it is easier to pretend to be okay and avoid emotional scenes. This can cause difficulties in therapy. I once spent weeks trying to explain SH or suicidal ideation but it was only when a family member contacted her to say i was SH'ing that my therapists put 2 and 2 together. It leaves me exasperated! And angry. It leaves me feeling that there is something i am doing wrong. It leaves me feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that people never ever seem to get it.
Thank you so much for caring, your support really matters to me.

Wants2Fly - It is really good to hear from someone who has actually found a good therapist/dr. I think it can really get to people who are already struggling so much to have to fight to get proper treatment too. I say time and time again to my family that if it weren't for their support, both emotionally and practically in getting me appts, i seriously would not have made it to where i am.

(((Fuzzybear)))) thank you for always caring.