Thanks everyone for your kind support and also really good ideas and advice.

I really need to find a way to control my impulses, unfortunately in the last year or so i've gradually let down alot of boundries that once stopped me from doing any real damage to myself. I think a sense of real hopelessness has led to this. It really is all-consuming and so it is very easy to self harm when on many levels i don't really care that i do. It is hard to be healthy and think about doing the right thing when so often i come to the conclusion - 'why not?'.

I think the main reason SH upsets me so much is that it is seen as an unhealthy way to cope. It is a real visable sign that i'm not able to deal with life like other people. I don't care that my arms are scarred, but i have to hide them so that others don't think less of me. That frustrates me.

I have a therapist, i've been going for 5months but i find it incrediably difficult to have only 50minutes a week. I find i am often very unsafe after the sessions. As bizarre and as ridiculous as it sounds, i'm scared of therapy, i'm scared it will push me down so that i cannot cope at all. Since i have to cope, i'm very unwilling to do/say anything that will put this in jepody. I understand that therapy should be done in small, manageable bits, but my emotions are so intense once they're out that's it, they have to run their course and i can't stamp them back down without SH or/and alcohol.

Dance - that is a really good log idea. I think i will start that, i know that hopelessness is a key reason why i SH but i think it will still be useful in order to see specifically what exactly makes me feel so helpless. I really appreciate that tool, and i hope others on this sub-forum find it useful too.