My 6th anniversery passed on May 23. I had a single drink alone and sat in the amber glow of my living room listening to old Vandross music. I realized that I had stopped listening to music because it made me feel. Somehow I expected that the day would come crashing in on me like a train but it did'nt. It was like a quiet breeze which sometimes took my breath as it coursed thru me. I sat with my feelings and released them in tears without running away to hide. I just had to let the moments pass in order to appreciate the realness and truth of the pain.

I looked around my apartment at the order of the pretty colors in my life which which I have created . I felt proud of myself. I decided that at 50, I still wanted to pick flowers, take cruises, be loved and touched in a way that I have never been before. I want to laugh and dance and be stupid if I want. I dont want to apologize for having big round hips and thighs anymore. It occured to me that this experience had more to do with me than with my husband. It is my pain and my journey and it is my future. I need to be free of all of my ******** before I leave this earth--once and for all!

I have learned-eventhough I thought I knew- that what a man says and what he does must be the same if it is true. I will probably never marry a man 10 years my jr. again. I know that I can never give myself away again in the hope that a man loves me. I have learned that I am more angry with myself for allowing him to take advantage of me.I have learned that I must have the courage and enought self love to stand up for myself in every moment that I breathe because I AM WORTH IT. I MATTER. I will be seeing a therapist next week. I need to let all these feelings out and allow someone else to help me explore the possibilities for my life. I have learned that dispite that fact that my daughter was born just after my 12th birthdayand that I have had to stuggle like hell on my own to live---I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN.

I have learned that I am still a soft, loving and generous soul, even if sometimes too giving. I am still the girl who once rescued every , dirty puppy and stole food from our house to sneak it to the shed to keep it alive. I am still the girl who wept at the sight of refugee children. I am still the little girl who didnt have a daddy. I still believe in the sweetness of humanity and nothing moves me more than when I am needed and when I am giving others the very best of myself. As I have told my close friends about how my husband walked out, I have learned what they really think of me. They have called me the best, best friend anyone could have. They have told me that I am strong and smart ,creative ,stylish and beautiful. They have told me that my husband was just not good enough for me. I have learned that even an independent, hard-headed gal like me must be open to the love of others without mistaking it for pity...its just love and that is what I need.

I am angry. I am jealous because I suspect that my husband left me for another woman. I am angry because he was the kind of man who would not own up to or admit anything. I need closure and I need to know the truth. I need to know where that SOB was all the nights I went to bed alone and longed for him. I need to make it ok with myself that he ran off in his own direction after the wedding and never lokked back to see that I was still standing.I need the lies to be uncovered so that I can see him clearly, and, in the process, myself as well. I need to know why this is even important to
me. I will just have to trust that answers will come and that I will heal.