I know why I drink, or at least I think I know why. I have bipolar disorder and a personality disorder. I suck at emotional intelligence and hurt others by words without realizing it when it happens. I drink to lower the anxiety I feel and the loniness that comes from being alone without anyone to comfort me. I come accross as tough on the outside but I am crying inside. Drinking always gives me a relief from the intense mood swings I go through. I see a psychologist but I have not yet have gone into detail about this. I need to do so. I know I will. I have been seeing him for ten months now. I have a lot of problems and so it is hard to take on all of them at once with the therapist. We are currently working on the sexual abuse I had as a young boy with older straight males who married women later on in life and how I was conned by them into homosexuality from which I derive no support, love, and comfort from other males today. When I go to gay bars I am totally ambivalent in there. I am there because it is the only sex I have ever known yet I don't fit in with the homosexual lifestyle. I feel so ashamed and confused about it. This is certainly another reason why I drink.

thquote=Catherine2;1030809]Joe,
Thank you for sharing, I know how hard it is to be that honest.
Doing it, though, was taking that first step...

Early in my alcoholism, I was a weekend binger. It didn't take but a few years of it before I kept adding days to it and began drinking daily.
Perhaps you've exercised great control so far in limiting your binges. It's an illusion however to think that binge drinking is any safer, not quite an alcoholic/problem drinker.

Have you tried any AA meetings?
I'll be the first to acknowledge that many people are not comfortable with these meetings. AA did help me get and stay sober once I looked for commonalities with the others.

Self medicating to drown our problems obviously isn't the answer. It's going to take a whole lot of courage to admit you have a problem--which you have already done--do something about that problem, and face the reasons you use alcohol to ease that pain.

Please keep sharing...many times it helps us focus on what needs changed. Stopping the binges is the first step; that's when more hard work starts...
You do not have to go it alone, Joe.
We've been there, know what it's like, and know how much better life is when sober.
It's beautiful. Always? No. But still a helluva lot better than feeling trapped and beating ourselves up.

Best wishes,
Catherine

jme, of course[/quote]