Hi,
I am new here so I am not even sure if i am writing this in the right place, I am struggling at the moment and just need some advice I guess.
I have to tell the whole story for people to understand so please bear with me, I will try to make it as understandable as possible.
When I was 18 and starting university I used to exaggerate the truth or tell lies, sometimes they were just silly lies like saying I spoke a language better than I did, or saying that my family had a second home in a different country and so on. They were quite silly and then others, I would say for example that I thought I was pregnant and other stories like that. At the time I don't think I even noticed I was doing it if that makes sense, it wasn't like I would sit at home and think of lies I could tell, they just came out in conversations. I don't even remember feeling that bad about them.
Recently I have been quite down and stressed and so I think I have been thinking about the past a lot more than usual and I realised that I used to tell these lies and I was horrified. I realise I haven't said lies for a number of years now, I guess I just grew out of it. I realise now that I told these lies because I was suffering from lack of self confidence and that I just wanted people to think my life was interesting and that I was 'cool'. The more I thought about it the more I realised that I had actually been telling lies since I was about 11, I remembered a whole variety of lies, some just totally rediculous like saying my middle name was something completly different to others where I claimed my dad had another family (that was when i was 11). I am not even sure why I did it though, at the time of making the lies I wasn't aware that I was doing it for the attention. I can't explain, I have always known that lying is wrong and I know I would never set out to hurt people, but they just kept coming out!
I know that it is long ago, and for these lies, I feel ashamed of myself, but I am not beating myself up about it too much because it was in the past, these lies didn't hurt anyone and being honest I doubt anyone remembers or believed me at the time. I guess I feel more embarrased about them and more confused in myself as to why I would lie.
This is what scares me though. When I was 18, I thought I had my drink spiked, I don't remember anything from that night and told people so but I also said I thought that I was raped. I told my parents about it and I was really upset about it, my parents knew I didn't remember anything about the night, but when I woke up in the morning a guy was still there and I guess I was confused about it.
My problem now is, that now I have realised I used to lie about a lot of things at that age I am wondering if I lied about that? I know it sounds quite silly to say this, but I don't remember plotting these other lies and I don't remember feeling bad about them either, so I am worried that I lied about it. I know that when someone has had their drink spiked they can not always remember what happened, but I do just have this huge feeling that I did lie about it all, I think I just slept with the guy anyway. I don't know why I told people about it, I have no idea - maybe I did just want the attention. This is my problem, I just don't know!
Now I am having to live with the thought that I lied about it, that I told my parents and broke their hearts thinking that this happened to me when it didn't. I can hardly stand being in the same room as them because I feel so guilty. I don't know how I could have done it, I just really can not comprehend how I could have done such a thing. I am having such difficulty in understanding how I could have done that and I keep thinking about it and I hate myself. When I think about it I get so stressed it feels as though I can't breath properly.
I want to tell my mum that I think I lied but I don't even know how, I can't explain it very well and I am worried she will just think I am mad, how can you explain that you can't remember telling lies. But I really can't, all the lies I ever told I don't think I even realised they were lies. Thats's my problem.
I know that it is all involved with self condfidence, which I am working on. I also know that the reason I have thought about this recently is because I am feeling down and so when one is feeling down these feelings can often come up, but I just can't deal with it. I don't know how I am supposed to live the rest of my life knowing that I lied about being raped, how could I do that?
I'm at a loss, I just don't know what to do about it, it's really getting to me as it is the only thing i am thinking of, i wake up in the nigt and i think of it straight away.
I don't know how I can live the rest of my life thinking of this every day and would do anything to take it back even though i know that is impossible, i just don't know what to do.
If anyone has any feedback, reccomendations any thing like that I would really appreciate it.
Please, I know a lot of people will think very negatively of me and I am so sorry about that, I can't explain it, it's like the person who told all the lies is a totally different person. Today I am so honest, if i even tell the slightest lie i feel guilty about it straight away and tell the truth so i don't know how i could have done it. Sorry