hi there..i don’t know where to start right now, but really need to just talk..i looked at a book on PTSD at the library today, and it said that talking was important… i don’t have a therapist or anyone to tell this to so I’m going to try and get it out here..thanks for letting me.

I have the symptoms of ptsd, and they came on suddenly after a particularly horrific interaction with my parents…especially emotional numbness, desire to inflict pain upon myself, severe emotional pain, feeling disconnected from everyone else, I feel like I can’t connect with others, I’m really sad and serious now – the change is drastic…my former sense of humor is absent entirely. I hope to god this all goes away. I am feeling scared and alone and beaten up badly (emotionally).

I recently was living with my mom and step-father, who are both extremely abusive. my mom has NPD, and my step-father is just mean..has always treated me like I’m not there and when he does talk to me he tells me my life is my fault. Even when I’m crying and tell him I have no hope right now/am depressed he still says that. (he has been my step-father since I was 16, and always treated me like a nuisance and with cruelty/a heartless attitude.) He is really heartless with me. I know he would rather I not exist. I don’t know who is worse, him or my narcissistic mother. Living with them recently was *hell on earth*. They I am so traumatized from my latest interaction with them. It was *horrible*. I can’t even explain how awful it was. (this was yesterday.) I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started crying and screaming hysterically for them to leave me alone. It was awful I have become very bad off since living there. (one of my babble friends said I would be better off living in a box on the street than with my mother. I didn’t listen at the time. But she was right.) so I finally just decided to leave, for my sanity’s sake. I have no place to go, and am looking at shelters. I honestly am relieved to be out of that house..it was so bad that I really don’t care where I end up, as long as I’m not there with them. Seriously. Starving and being homeless is much more preferable than where I was. To give you an idea as to the trauma, I would say hands down that my parents were *way* more abusive than my ex-boyfriend, who was a crack addict. Now, crack addicts are no party, but are *nothing* compared to what I just went through. I hope to god typing this will help me heal..that someone will see my horrific suffering.

Thank you *so much* for taking the time to read this. It means the world to me. (i have no one to talk to and no therapist) I am so, so thankful there is a PTSD board here. You just can’t explain what it’s like to someone who hasn’t experienced it…I am so grateful that there are people here who can relate. Thank you again. I hope I get my smile back someday. I just took a serious beating (mental) and am not the same person I was a day ago. I am a different person. I’m scared. Will I get back to who I was? I don’t have access to therapy, or even a car…or home. Can I overcome this on my own?

Take care,
amy