calista+12, (YOU ARE NOT STUPID AND NEVER WERE!!!!!!!!)

i am not paranoid like i used to be. the more healing God and therapy have given me the less fearful i am. i just used to be completely hypervigilant - years before i ever saw that word and realized that it described what i lived with. i could write paragraphs and pages of all the fear i felt and all the coping things i did to "stay safe". it was hard to live that way, i hid more than i lived. i still have some limits due to fear but it gets better with help and time and working on things. i am so glad i don't live like that any more.

i have made some bad choices sometimes and some mistakes other times, but i am not stupid either. i am a person who dissociated under great stress and suffering and i am working my way toward greater health and peace. i need to be less hard on myself and i think you probably do need to be more gentle to yourself also.

the ones who abused me did all they could to get me afraid and keep me that way. they were mean and rotten in their behavior and ideas. dirty ratfink behavior. grrr.

leslie and pixies