I felt guilty for it because of the amount of boxes lying around waiting to be unpacked. I felt lazy. :-/

I LOVE my new place! I can finally sleep with the light off, still have to have music on, but that's just something to stop me hearing things. I'm still scared of the dark, every noise I hear I keep thinking is someone trying to get in, but I'm starting to get to know the different sounds and what they really are and starting to rationalise my thoughts and such. I already have a ritual before I go to bed of going around every room, shutting all the windows and blinds, then cleaning my teeth, putting music on, turning my light off and getting into bed putting the covers over my ears (that's just acomfort thing). It seems to be a good ritual, it makes me feel safe, but sometimes I have to get out of bed again, to go and check all the windows are shut, my door's locked and all my cupboards and drawers are shut, along with all my electricals being off. I'm so paranoid that I've left something on.

I think that others don't want me around because all they seem to do is use me to help them. They never think about how it affects me or anything like that. Yesterday was awful. I mean... I had a great day at the Bath and West, but I got home and was so drained, yet so many people were texting me asking for help or to do a favour for them, or asking if I'm still up and will I be seeing them tomorrow? Grrrr. Give me a break! In teh end, I just had to tell everyone that I was exhausted and couldn't help at the moment. I was getting so frustrated, angry, upset, weighed down by all these people asking so much of me and not even stopping to think of how much I've already got on my plate and how much they actually are asking of me. To them it may just be a simple favour, that requires a lot of energy and thinking or whatever, but to me it's actually another thing weighing down on my shoulders and adding more stress to my mind.

Sigh. Connor and I spoke last night and I explained taht I have been really, really stressed and pre-occupied recently and that I just need space to chill out and sort out all te stuff going through my head, get all the unpacking done and just give myself time to get my head around everything. He said he understands that I'm stressed and stuff but he said he feels iunsecure because he's not getting that attention from me that he usually gets from me when we spend time together.

I admit I got angry with him a few times, but that was because he wasn't understanding the fact taht moving is stressful. He was just getting angry at me for being stressed out. ??!?!? He apologised in the end, but last night I just felt like I was too drained to bother explaining and just wanted to leave it until today... But no, as usual I forced myself to do it and get it over with. He wanted to see me this weekend, I think.. But I don't really feel up to seeing people at the moment, I have stuff to do for breakfast club and such, which is okay, it's something to keep me busy again, but otherwise I just feel like staying at home, slowly unpacking and just... Well.. Being ill on my own, not having people bugging me to help them and stuff. I'm not well and I know I'm not well, so why do I keep pushing myself so hard to do these things?

I'm putting so much pressure on myself to help someone write a song better than he has done, to write a poem for my friend's friend who died, to get my 2 new songs done by next week and get the demo disc recorded by the end of June, to arragne a housewarming party, to unpack all this stuff by this weekend, to help Jason with the comic relief stuff on Tuesday, to arrange the exchange and residential, to do this key support worker course, to get a job, to start horse riding again somehow, to get to counselling and sort things out with Bryony... But why do I have to be the one that has to make all the effort to make things better between us?

God, I hate this. It's not like I'll ever stop, is it?
I don't know what to do with myself today. I've got really bad stomach pains and chest pains and the migraine still hasn't gone away.

I wonder if anyone's actually going to just let me get on with my day and not interrupt me. I doubt it. But I guess I can only hope.