I am guilty of these distortions too. IDK, it is so hard sometimes to write or talk about this stuff that leaving out details or altering them just happens. I know how you likely feel about it after you realize what you did...because I beat myself up a lot for doing the same thing. I think...WE impose far greater punishment on ourselves than we deserve. Also, at least in my case, when I am beating myself up about distorting a memory or conversation I assume that no one else EVER does such a thing. This is totally false. Next time you listen to a friend tell there story about something, listen closely you will likely here how they have twisted the truth too. In the "waking the tiger" book I read recently the author actually seems to suggest that these "distortions" are actually part of our natural healing process. For those who've also read this book, please correct me if my interpretation is incorrect. Levine seems to indicate that our mind uses our imagination and other memory fragments to create a healing vortex and to reneigociate (sorry, can't spell today) the trauma so we can complete the cycle, learn from it and move on.

I think it would be good for you to really look at why saying you were asleep at the time made you feel better about what happened? How does being awake and being watched make you more of a *****? If you really think hard is it that you feel that since you knew this boy was wandering the halls looking to enhance his pocket-pool with some visual input that you should have been much more protective of your privacy? Do you think being awake makes you guilty of providing what he wanted? How about a worst case scenario.(I AM NOT IN ANY WAY SUGGESTING THAT THIS MAY BE TRUE). Since it happened a long time ago and your brain is searching for a reason why it is bothering you so much maybe it constructes the following from the fragments you have: You knew this boy had the hots for you. The evil side of you kind of like that because it made you feel attractive and worth something. So your brain suggests that not only were you awake at the time you were aware that the boy was watching you. Now when your brain considers this...you feel like a dirty ***** who was using her body to seduce this boy.

All I am trying to say here is... Our brain distorts the truth for many reasons. Sometimes the distortion is necessary and beneficial for us to begin to communicate about yucky intolerable things. OTHER times the distortions as done to hurt or derail our progress. I would look at what your abuse parasite hoped to achieve by distorting how you retold this evet.

I need to do this with a distortion I noted this week.