I've lied in the past, to myself. I "feigned" sleep whilst the "act" took place. I was young, 21 at the time. This wasn't my first encounter with "acts", they've been in my life since childhood. Perhaps because of this reason I seemed to just "lie back" kind of thing because it wasn't anything new, my life without abuse didn't exist.

By the time this "act" took place, I think I was just trying to get love from wherever, whom ever, and I had learnt to "go away" in my mind and replace the "act" with "fantasy".

I can say now that in hindsight, there was no other way for me to be. I didn't have the strenght to say "NO!", I'd not learnt that. Today though I am not that person. My life is different, I dont think back to these times much now, just when I saw your title it stirred something in me, a memory.

Dont beat yourself up, I think a lot more people have had this sort of experience then we know. Its not evil or wicked or anthing like that, its doing the best we can with what we've got, and as Maya Angelou says, "we do better when we know better", I'm sorry you have had to experience this also.