I'm sorry you're hurting. Even though my T and I are about the same age, I wished I were her daughter. It's not a dumb wish but it just can't come true, and that hurts! But like skeksi said, you can have her love inside of you forever. You have your memories of her always. Can you ask her to give you something to hold onto, maybe something in her writing? Will you be able to have any contact at all with her when you are finished?