Lifelesstraveled,

I can relate to the fear of opening up with your t and going deeper. I've had to rely on email many times as a way to nudge into a topic because i just felt too distressed and anxious to bring it up face to face. For me, disclosing things in email beforehand makes it easier for me to talk about them when i go to my session later and my t brings it up. It's easier because it's already "out there on the table." Maybe this is something you could do to break the ice of those painful frozen topics.

I've also experienced what you have, a feeling of disappearing, not being present in the room, forgetting what's said, etc. For me, it's a feeling like i am losing hold of reality and am disappearing back into the painful past. I'm pretty sure it is dissociation, and it usually happens when I am too deep into discussing painful feelings or a traumatic memory.

I have found that trying to "push through it" or make myself go deeper than i feel able to tolerate DOES NOT help. What does help is what my t calls "titrating" the experience. She asks me on a scale of 1 to 10 drops, how many drops of discomfort i am willing and able to feel during the session. I tell her, and then i do my best to discuss the painful issue. But once i get the sense that things are getting to be "too much" for me, i let t know. Then she has me picture putting all the remaining discomfort in a box and locking it until the next time we meet. Then we do some kind of breathing or relaxation exercise before i leave.

It has been VERY VERY important for my t and I to discover how much i can tolerate and when things become "too much," and then stopping things before they overwhelm me. It may take some time for you and your t to discover where your tolerance point is. But eventually, you'll begin to know how much you are able to divulge and to discuss without becoming overwhelmed.

Generally speaking, if you start to dissociate and lose your awareness of what's going on in the present moment with t or feel yourself disappearing, it's time to bring the discussion to a stop for the time being.