Hi Silly Cat and welcome to PC. Love the name

Your post struck a chord in me because i used to do the same kind of thing. I can only share from my own personal experience, so don't think I'm trying to convince you of anything.

I had an incident with I was 18. I had dated this guy but I was still a virgin and he wanted sex, so I broke it off with him. I was house sitting a short time after, and I wanted alcohol. He was 21, so I called him. He came over and brought alcohol and we sat around rinking, and then started making out. For years I told myself and others, that he had taken advantage and forced himself upon me. But the truth was, he had asked if I wanted to try it and I say no. He stopped. I was so ashamed though, that I had invited a man over to this house just for alcohol, that I told the lie, and eventually believed it. I even went so far as to have a freak out moment on vacation in San Diego with a friend. We were at a bar, and I wasn't getting enough attention. I told her that I saw that guy, the one who forced himself on me. She consoled me and I got what I was looking for. Truth was, he wasn't there, and had never harmed me in anyway.

The situation is different. Looking back, I know I lied, I know it didn't really happen. But for you, you have no way of really being certain. Lies are so powerful, and so easy to believe when I tell them enough.

I've grown out of it too, and no longer continue that behavior. That is what I took out of your post. You no longer continue that behavior. By being the honest person you are today, you are amending your behavior. We can't go back and change the past. We can only learn from it. And you are learning from it. You are making amends and making living amends to your folks by not continuing to lie.

As for wanting to tell your mom that you lied, I would just look at it this way, would making that amends to her harm her or injure her? Would it bring it all back for her? Are you wnting to tell her to clear your own concience or would it be to help her? Look at it that way to help you decide if you should tell her that you're not sure what really happened.

I agree with what has been said, that hopefully you can continue counceling after graduation. Congrats on graduation, by the way!

Keep on pouring out your heart here, it helps loads, and the anonymity of posting online, for me, helps my honesty, helps me speak out about what is really eating at me.

Again, welcome, and keep on posting.

Hugs,
Rayna