The thread on not wanting to be attached your therapist has me thinking about my therapeutic relationship and how its changed over the past year. My T and I rarely talk about OUR interactions. We mostly discuss the past and my relationships with my kids, H, and friends. I've made a lot of positive changes in 2 of the 3.

Last week after not being able to thank my T face-to-face for the support she has been providing me, I felt a strong need to not let another 2 weeks go without express my thanks. In this exchange, I mentioned that I felt weird sensation in my chest/belly region when I thought about something she had written to me. I also apologized and that I had a push-pull tug-of-war thing going on. I stated that I wanted and even kind of liked sharing my artwork with her. But at the same time also felt like WTF am I doing and felt like I was going to get burnt bad for doing what I am doing. T's reply said not to apologize. Said that I need to verbalize these things to her, to remember that she is safe, and that its all part of the process. Other statements made in this message just made me feel at lot better about the session and where I am at the moment.

Now I'm wondering... All part of what process? Dealing with the past, learning to cope better with life today, dealing with my touch anxiety??? IDK, sometimes I wonder, do I really "get" what's really playing out in therapy. Am I in the grips of some transference thing and just don't see it? Is the chest/belly sensation, mixed feelings, etc my body's way of telling me what my mind refuses to acknowledge -- deep down I might care. This thought is scary even though I don't think it is really abnormal.