Thank you for all the replies. I would normally answer each one individually, but today was even more worse than yesterday and I simply don't have it in me.

I slept very little last night. I called my T today and get this: a new rule has cropped up. According to "policy", if I have already harmed myself, he can't talk to me for 24 hours - supposedly talking to someone AFTER they do it encourages them to do it again, or more.

What a bunch of garbage. I said then if I take an overdose and call you for help, you won't talk to me?? His reply was that he would call an ambulance, but that is all. The "idea" is for me to call him BEFORE I SI so that "we can work through these problems and divert them". I feel like I am being punished.

It finally dawned on me today what a total idiot I have been with my T. He is not my friend in any way. He is like everyone else and there is a line that must not be crossed. Of course he wants me to come in for our appts. because then I'm important......but when I leave and hurt myself, I no longer am. He had the silliness to ask me if I was ok and how I was feeling about this rule......like he really cared. Like I told him, my feeling is irrelevant and wouldn't change anything.

I hung up the phone (while at work, no less) and just cried. I couldn't stop - the hurt was so bad. What a fool I have been to think that we were friends as well as doctor/patient. This hurts worse than anything that has been done to me before. I have been so incredibly naive........you would think I would have known better than to care that much.

It gets better......I called his office back to say good-bye to one of the people that work up at his front desk. The guy is switching depts and it is his last day there. I have seen this man for over 2 years and have talked to him. When I called to wish him good luck, I started crying and venting to him and said how stupid I was and that my T had really hurt me and that I might not be back.

This guy actually called someone in patient relations so that I could file a complaint against my T if I wanted to. I refused to even discuss it with her.

Then my back surgeon called with the results from last week - one of the screws in my back is not aligned properly - and yes, it is more than likely putting pressure on my nerves. He is worried about the amount and ease I have in bruising lately - I have some that just showed up without any reason at all. He thinks there may be an issue with my blood.

Now I get to see my pdoc and have blood tests done, then when my surgeon gets the report, he will schedule some type of spinal injection that hopefully will deaden the nerve in my leg that is being pushed against. That may, or may not, work and for how long is a toss up. If it does not work, I get to go back into surgery and have him move/fix this screw.

Can my life get any better??? No wonder I want to die. I am sitting here in tears over this thing with my T, worrying about these blood tests next week, the spinal thing in 2 weeks, and how not to lose my job...........and fighting the urge to cut more severely or simply break my promise.

I will not ever call or bother my T again. Whether I go to see him next week depends on my state of mind. I am trying so hard to shut down the emotions because it hurts so much and not doing very well with that. It's like a raw wound that just keeps bleeding. I never thought I would let someone get that close to me, and I did without realizing it.

I just got off the phone with him and if anything it hurts even more......he still believes it is in my best interests not to talk to me right after I hurt myself. Am I the only one that fails to see the logic in this?

I tried telling him that it makes me feel like I am not important afterwards, only before hand. As usual, what I feel doesn't matter because this what HE believes. I can't stop crying, I can't stop the pain inside.

If I don't even matter to the one person that I thought cared, what is the point? I haven't felt this much raw pain in so long, that I don't know how to deal with it.....how to make it stop without hurting myself. I have just lost my best friend - the one person who knew me for me and still cared, or so I thought.

I might be gone for awhile, so if I am, don't worry. I either need to stop this pain or finish what I should have before.

Please, please don't worry.

Mary Alice