Dear Debbie~
I am sorry I am just getting to this hon. I wanted to tell you a bit of my own feelings because I relate to what you are going thru.

When my mom was sick , I went to live with my parents into my second year of marriage. I ended up living with them for 9 months before my mom passed away. As you can imagine that was a very hard time for me with being basically a newlywed and dealing with a sick parent. She needed all day care. Changing dressings 2x a day 3 different dressings. I had to manage her meds, diet, personal care, all that. And towards the last 4 months, she had to go on dialysis too. Starting with the hemodyalisis while her peritoneal cavity opening healed for peritoneal dialysis. Its a more natural tyep of dyalisis doing 4 exchanges a day lasting about 20 min to a half hour if she was emptying good. You couldnt run a/c or heat while doing the exchanges , you had to keep the house immaculate cause of dust/ germs being thrown around to cause infection. I had to do all that , laundry , cook meals and work part time. Seeing my husband 2x a week for about 20 minutes a time.

So when Mom died, and believe me this is sooo hard to admit cause I love her so much and I would do all of this over again if I had to and am with my dad but on a lighter level . I felt ABSOLUTELY relieved , and yes it was a very bitter sweet moment. I know that sounds awful. But I felt like I could breath... just breath again. I was worn down maxed out . And I am sure you were the same. I think you are allowed to have this time to breath too. No one who hasnt been thru this and knows how it is can judge you or me on anylevel of how we should/ shouldnt be feeling when it comes to how a caregiver grieves, or when or how or where. Its in our own time and space and level. It doestn mean we are bad people . Just means we need to breath and take care of us for awhile. Allow yourself to do this and dont worry about it. Our mothers know we love them and miss them regardless . I know mine does. Take care sweetie , it will be fine.

Hugz!
Beth