I'm trying.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, so got out of bed this morning feeling really rubbish
I cried for 4 hours non stop. I just kept crying. I couldn't stop thinking about everything, just everything that's ever happened to me and how it's all my fault and I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. That's how I feel. So yeah. I cried my eyes out for 4 hours. Now my eyes sting, I'm tired and weak and I just feel so easily aggravated. It's horrible

I keep wanting to cry again and again, but I'm afraid I'll never stop lastnight I wished that it was Wednesday morning at 9:30ish, so that I'd be sat in counselling and be crying there, not in my bed on my own listening to music and knowing that I'm alone and have no-one to talk to. I so needed someone to talk to last night. I cut again yesterday. It's going back to how it was when I was with my adoptive family and it keeps getting worse, I keep getting horrid urges to do even worse stuff than just cutting. I hate this

I wish that I could just be happy, but something clicked yesterday and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I cried so much I couldn't breathe, I cried so much my ribs and stomach hurt. I cried so much that I feel really weak today. What's wrong with me?

I had no-one to talk to last night and I feel like I never will now because I take care of so many people, yet they don't give that back to me and help me out by listening when I need it. I only need it very rarely... Is that much to ask? Just one night, for an hour or so where I can just talk?