You know...

I thought I was doing okay, I thought that once I'd got into my flat, I'd settle in, get my sleep back on track, but most of all get my whole life back on track and become the real me, the person I've so wanted to be for my whole life. So i was really looking forward to this. It started well, i was getting somewhere, slowly but surely, despite being quite ill and having to spend a few days doing nothing

But last night, something inside me clicked. I don't know what it was... I have yet to figure it out, all I know is that I felt an ache and a kind of searing pain in my heart and I started to cry. I was crying so much that I could hardly breathe. It was horrible. I cried for 4 hours...

All I know is that I was crying about them. Crying about the past. Crying about everything that's ever happened to me. I blame myself. Still. I hate myself for what I've done, for the pain I've caused and for the families I have ruined in the process. I feel like I have hurt so many people and upset so many people, angered so many people and just... Ruined everyone that I've touched's lives.

I felt hated, I felt weak, I felt stupid, pathetic and like I shouldn't be crying, like I don't have it bad at all, like I never did have it bad at all. I still want to go back sometimes, because I feel like I had it so much easier then. But I know that... If my twin had the chance, she'd slam me into a corner one more time, smirk at me and beat me til I was dead, telling me all the time nhow much she hates me, how worthless I am and how little people care or want me around, how I've ruined everything myself and brought it all on myself, how I let those men abuse me, how I made her and everyone else hit me, back me into a corner, tell me how worthless I am. All that stuff.

I just. I don't know what to do anymore. I wake up in cold sweats, I see their faces everywhere I go. I can't go anywhere without being scared that they'll see me and hurt me again, I hear their voices everyday in my head telling me how worthless I am. I feel their presence around me all the time. Am I crazy? Just like they said I am? Probably.

I don't know what to do. I'm in such despair and now I feel really bad for writing this and just really want to delete it because now... I've let the secret out, I've let OUR secret out... Now everybody knows what a bad person I am and how I made them do this to me, how I made them angry and upset and hurt and how I messed everything up...

I hate myself. I don't hate them, I NEED their acceptance.. I need them to love me... I try everything to impress them, but it doesn't work.. It's because I'm a bad person and deserve to be punished..