But what? All morning I keep remembering T's reactions to my protests yesterday, though I refuse to admit to myself that I was protesting. I remember at one point saying that something in the room was "wrong", I couldn't quite explain it. This tells me that I was in a time warp, I'm not sure what I thought was missing from the scenerio, chaos? yes, anger from T? yes, its a feeling that I can't name.

But I know something happened yesterday, something was going on. The closest I can come to is when abut 4yrs old my adoptive parents went to visit an old aunt and I remember sitting on her lap asking if I could go outside to play, and she saying, "no your too small" and I remember saying "but mum lets me play out", but even though she didnt let me have my own way, I felt safe with her, I felt protected, I never got this with mum, because most times I could eventually get her to cave in, I could beat her down, because this is how my family worked, everything was just a mess, raised voices, accusations, and in the end I'd walk off having got what I wanted.

But yesterday, T sat quitely, didnt get pulled into anything, I even said at one point, I want to go now, and T said, I'm not falling for that one again, because when I'd said this before T said, what would happen if I said, ok you can go? and I stormed out, sigh, sad, I know, but man I am so dysfunctional its unbelievable and coming up against healthy boundaires mixed with gentle humour is so wierd, I dont understand here. But I know somethign happened yesterday, though I still feel upset that T went away last week, theres something else there. Perhaps its that T did listen to my protests? Perhaps my protests were never listened to before? both my adoptive parents were very defensive people so me protesting created anger in them, and they'd attack my protests with no real solution, oh eventually there'd be the honeymoon phase afterwards where we'd all be falsely happy, but it was never real, perhaps yesterday it was T's ablity to remain real against my protests that was different?

I told T I know intellectually I wouldn't want to gain from emotional blackmail, but the feelings want too. I do keep smiling each time I think back to yesterday, when I angrily growled "bothered" and T's laughing, which caused me to laugh, I dunno, perhaps its that that was different, my arguments with my adoptive mother just got dirtier and nastier and there was no ablity from her to be able to contain me, she just constantly reacted to me. I dunno, I guess I wanted to be angry and still keep my mothers love? but that never happened, being angry was a crime in my home, it just wasn't managed well at all, it was stumped on...if mum had been able to contain it and reflect love back perhaps that would have been enought? Perhaps thats what T did yesteday? I showed her anger and she continued to "love" me anyways? Perhaps thats what went on, because I certainly have no fears I did anything wrong yesterday, but those same actions growing up would have left me feeling I'd done something wrong. maybe thats it, I didnt destroy T with my protests, nor did I loose anything.

This certainly feels like one of those strong transference sessions that come up from time to time, where something has been acted out, and recieved a different outcome, a more satsifyiing one that needs time to filter itself into my sub consious.