I have major touch issues with everyone - even my closest friends and family. I do not like to be touched (trauma related)- it induces panic, flashbacks, and dissociation. I am still unable to distinguish between safe and unsafe touch in the moment. Though, when not being touched, I do understand what safe touch is.

Anyway, I have a medical related phobia (I've got lots and lots of fears!) and I needed to go to the doctor about a month ago. T went with me and we were talking about it in session yesterday and she informed me that, at the doctor, after the procedure, as we sat in the waiting room while I calmed and came back to earth, I reached for her hand. This was shocking to me. I literally did a mental double take when she told me. I actually reached out to be held but have no memory of it happening.

It was so surprising to me to find out that my conscious mind is so hugely afraid of any kind of physical touch or affection but my subconscious is timidly begging for it. Just hearing that it happened was a strange kind of exposure - I'm anxious to continue the conversation, but right now I'm not sure what to think about it. Any takers?