Hi

i relate too. i feel as though i completely understand what you're saying. When i read what you wrote, i think of the DDNOS/DID continuum. i think of it as not just as one line increasing in severity but as multi-layered lines that adjust both ways.

i haven't bought a new stereo in over 20 years but mine has an equalizer. There are three or four rows of levers that allow you to adjust the sound...more bass, less treble etc. That particular line isn't just low intensity to high intensity, it has multi-intensity points of high bass/low bass and high treble/low treble. Bass isn't any more or less intense than treble--they're just two dimensions of one line. It's not just that line though. It's several lines with multi-intensity points and that leaves a whole lot of combinations and possibilities in there. i think of DDNOS/DID the same way.

i have co-consciousness like you mentioned but not necessarily in all directions all the time. Your inability to bring forth the adult you (is she sure there's only one?...i think i have more than one adult) on command reminds me of when i get stuck. i can get triggered and not be able to speak or move--i freeze. i may not even know the trigger. i can think to myself "ok, i notice i can't speak. i'm staring. ok, i'm dissociating. speak. come on just start a word..." and literally have to push the first letter of a word through my lips and slowly increase my speaking speed until it breaks. i know what's happening but i can't snap my fingers and make it not happen. i also have a wreckless part that can take scary risks with my life without "me" making such a decision. i'm "there" with her but her choices are not mine and she can overrule my intent. She only comes out under extreme stress though.

Your T needs to understand the degree and intensity of your dissociative symptoms. i don't know how long you've seen her or what you've covered. i think a lot of times therapists are wary of clients becoming too dependent or transferring their emotions so they don't physically comfort much. i've been awed by others who have therapists who are willing to do that. At the same time, it's possible your T just wants you to build grounding and self care skills for when she's not around.

i hope you allow yourself to talk to her about all this and also to be tested so you can get the diagnosis out of the way. Labels are labels but they can help point you in the right general direction and dissociative disorders do often indicate different approaches to therapy. i hope things feel better for you soon.