Everyone thank you so much for your responses. Sorry I haven't responded til now but I have limited internet access this week. But because of the limited access, it helped me think some thing through.

I have therapy today for the first time in over a month of my therapy break. I have much to tell her, some stuff that just came to me over the last couple of days. My T is very aware of what happened with T1 and and T2 and understands the pain I am in.

Here is what I am thinking. After my T1 really hurt me badly one session, he said he wouldn't come to my funeral if I died, he said he didn't care about me and other stuff too. He yelled at me because he felt frustrated (he said so) with me that day because I was being resistant to doing EMDR with him. I was very afraid of doing EMDR, especially what happened to me after we did it the first time, almost 2 years earlier. But thing is that it scared the hell out of me when he yelled at me because nobody has done that to me since I was a child who was abused a lot. I yelled back for him to stop yelling at me, and he said he wasn't. Then I said you were talking to me ina very loud mean voice that scared me. Then he said that maybe he shouldn't have done that. He even made me cry in therapy for the first time.

But this is what I just realized, when all of this happened to me that day, it was like I was looking at him and me from across the room. After all this time I finally see this, it didn't even register with me over the last couple of years that when I remember this, it is from the other side of the room. I think I might have totally dissociated during this or something, not sure. I remember when I left his office I told him that I hated him and then I called up and told that I was firing him, that I wasn't going to take that **** from anyone. Then I lucky got in to see T2 that week.

I know some of you know my story with my T1 well, and some don't know it much. But I think I am wanting to hurt him back for what he did to me, because what was going on in therapy, wasn't therapy, it was much more. Getting him back professionally is the only way I know I can get him. But that is going nowhere for me. I think because our relationship went way beyond professional, it was a personal relationship the last half of it. It got messy. But for me, he was so much more than just my T. I think this is why I am so hurt, because the relationship revolved into so much more than a professional relationship and he freaked out about his feelings and he lost his objectivity in the relationship of being my T. THings turned personal, and when that happens, the part of being with a T who is protective was lost because he slammed me down. Things that can happen in personal relationships, but it shouldn't even happen in therapy relationships. But my feelings for him went very deep and after that day of therapy, I feel like I died, that I lost something from within me. That is what I need to work on in therapy.
I think the last 2 years I have been depressed, I worked on things like the death of my brother and my first grandchild, but the feelings on the surface I felt was anger and a lot of it. The meds keep me even, but I still had anger. Now that I am no longer depressed and have been off my meds for the last couple of months, and the fact I am exercising everyday and doing yoga, the anger is dissipating through the exercise a lot. The yoga is getting rid of a lot of buried tension in my body. So now I feel deep sadness, my emotions are very much on the surface. I FEEL LIKE I DID 2 YEARS AGO after I fired my T1. It is like the depression keep me from processing the pain or something or it was the meds.
I have therapy in less than an hour from now. I want to tell her all of this. I think the therapy break did some good for me. But it feels like it is going to be so hard this time. I hope I can have the courage to do this, I am scared.