As everyone knows, I've had a lot of stress in the past few days - right after my last T appt, we got the news that my drug addict brother was in jail, and that same day, the news that my mom's breast cancer had probably returned in her bones.

On Monday I went to the doctor with my mom, and it was confirmed that the cancer is in her bones. She has a CT scan tomorrow and then we will find out on Monday if it is anywhere else. Although my mom was my main abuser (and is an alcoholic) I am (and always have been) her caretaker, so this has been a lot for me to deal with.

I saw T yesterday for the first time since everything happened. It was a strange session. I talked about what is going on with my mom (although he's pretty updated because we've communicated a few times through phone calls/e-mails), and a little bit about when my dad died 5 years ago from cancer. I talked some about some issues I'm having with H. There was a moment when it got quiet and I could feel myself dissociating - everything looked wrong, and it was scary...I'm scared to let myself feel too much right now, and I want to be in control as much as I can.

T pulled me back into the room, and the rest of the session was honestly lighthearted chit chat. He told me lots of stories - about the first interview he had for a therapy internship, about an experience he had mountain climbing- funny stories, that made me laugh. Honestly, for the rest of the session, that's kind of how it went.

We always leave each other phone messages after my sessions and sometimes they are about how we each perceived the session. I told him in my message that it felt like because I couldn't reach out to him (I wanted to, but I just couldn't open up that soft, emotional part of myself), he was reaching out to me. In his message, he said that he felt like "too much silence" would have been too scary for me. That I have too much going on, and that I needed to feel like everything was going to be okay, because it is. So, instead of a lot of therapeutic silence, it was just a lot of connecting and chatting. He said it wasn't a conscious thing he thought about, but looking back, he was trying to help me not be overwhelmed and scared.

It was interesting to think about. I like that T was taking care of me by not letting me get lost in fear...but it's SO the opposite of what usually happens in therapy. Usually it's delving into the deep emotions, fears, etc...but it's like T was purposely keeping me from going there.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this! I guess because it was so not "normal" therapy. T is going on vacation next week so I guess maybe he is trying to keep me kind of safe and grounded before he disappears. I always think of therapy as getting to core issues and healing...but maybe sometimes it's just about getting through whatever we're going through right now.