Here is what I am thinking. After my T1 really hurt me badly one session, he said he wouldn't come to my funeral if I died, he said he didn't care about me and other stuff too. He yelled at me because he felt frustrated (he said so) with me that day because I was being resistant to doing EMDR with him. I was very afraid of doing EMDR, especially what happened to me after we did it the first time, almost 2 years earlier. But thing is that it scared the hell out of me when he yelled at me because nobody has done that to me since I was a child who was abused a lot. I yelled back for him to stop yelling at me, and he said he wasn't. Then I said you were talking to me ina very loud mean voice that scared me. Then he said that maybe he shouldn't have done that. He even made me cry in therapy for the first time.

GRRRRRR!!!!!! what an A-hole!!!! sorry but this makes me SO MAD FOR YOU !!!

So now I feel deep sadness, my emotions are very much on the surface. I FEEL LIKE I DID 2 YEARS AGO after I fired my T1. It is like the depression keep me from processing the pain or something or it was the meds.

apart from the after I fired my t bit - this is exactly what I feel - I dont think i processed what had happened to me with the attack and SA whilst talking to my last T - I was on Avanza and that was sedating me a bit - so I was only dealing with the tip of the iceberg - now my meds have changed and I am more awake - its like it was 2 years ago when I was attacked and pandoras box was opened and all my old demons got free - I always wanted to go back and help that child that was abused but i realise now I cant and that makes me incredibly sad - we cant change the past so now with new T (who is actually someone I saw after the attack initially but he got sick) I am processing the things that happened and that is incredibly hard - so I have an idea how you feel

I have therapy in less than an hour from now. I want to tell her all of this. I think the therapy break did some good for me. But it feels like it is going to be so hard this time. I hope I can have the courage to do this, I am scared.