Thank you Ozzie, DE, & Beth,

I really appreciate your input. I now realize that those of us who end up being the caregivers (even though I didn't have to do any of the nursing....thank heavens), I had to be there for the emotional support & ended up protecting her & myself from the RN....I think the protecting thing was probably the hardest because it was almost impossible not to over react...My motto was better safe than sorry.

You have helped me realize that I am not so off....I was really beginning to think all I could see was negative...unfortunately, that is still almost all I see, but hope that someday it will change.

DE,
Not feeling the love doesn't make you feel less, just different feelings...your Pdoc was right. I think I will never feel the tears....I still feel numb to the whold thing...I try to find some good thoughts, but right now there aren't any & with your respones, I don't feel so bad about that ...I guess if it comes, it comes, & if not....oh well....It just feels strange listening to people who have such wonderful memories of their family, then I who wasn't even in a physically abusive family sees almost nothing. Like you, I too feel that animals have emotion...no that isn't feel....I KNOW they do. They are so sensitive to everything about their family, even my horses know when I am not feeling well & show stress the times I have passed out around them & my dogs just want to snuggle to make me feel good when I'm down....ashame us people aren't that good. I guess I tried to be that way to my Mom & not let her know how I was feeling....It is hard to act one way when you feel differently, but maybe that differently was partialy from being totally exhausted. I appreciate your welcome here & your input. I have been trying to deal with this issue & trying to get over the trauma because it seems that I don't have many memories after that except for not feeling anything positive. I have been trying to get rid of the nightmeres & depersonalization that has come from that, & is hard to work on much else. I just got a call the other day (that I missed) from the hospice care that my mother had, asking how I am doing...She only used them for 5 days before she died, & they really are caring...I tried their group, but found that I was in a place that wasn't appropriate to share with the group, so realized that I need one-on-one help with a psychologist. I talked for a long time with one of their grief counsellors & she also provided me with names if it doesn't work out going back to the psychologist I had 8 yrs ago when I was major suicidal (so she knows my past & family relationship then).

Beth,

You sure did go through very similar experiences...it is almost a shame that I wasn't able to take care or my Mother medically...I could have saved the trauma with the RN...I'm just not good at dealing with taking care of people....I can do any nursing with animals, just not humans. Initially, I was bouncing between home (an hour away) & my mother when she was in the hospital because I still was caring for the wound on my filly everyday. When my mother came home from the first hospital stay was when the RN came into the situation & at that point, I tried to do my life, but kept having things I felt uncomfortable with happening around me & felt I conldn't leave....then when my mother was back in the hospital, I was too afraid to leave the hospital myself after being followed, or leave my mother alone, not knowing what might happen even though I had her there under an alias. I think the fear along with the 24/7 like you, did the exhaustion like you also. Thank you for sharing what you have experienced also...I appreciate understanding that I am not the only one that has felt this way. I was so sick & in the hospital myself when she died that I'm not sure if it was releif I felt or what . It was then I had to take care of all the funeral arrangements & financial issues which were hard to do from the hospital so there wasn't even relief then....even after the funeral, came dealing with the estate which I just can't deal with even now. I use the excuse that I am taking care of myself right now & not dealing with it. It isn't really an excuse because I still haven't gotten over the exhaustion which comes back whenever I exert myself a little...then I'm back to the exhausted, dehydrated, mal nurished person I was 2 months ago. I really appreciate your response & reassurance that our mothers know we loved them no matter what.

You are both so sweet & kind to help me see another way of looking at the feelings I am experiencing....I can't thank you enough,

Debbie