Maybe where I was living previously with all the chaos, did eep me from really thinking about and facing the past... I don't know. I guess so. I guess now I have the space and quiet and not so much to do with people knocking on my door asking favours, I have more time to think and feel and not just do things to keep me busy, keep me from having to face all that stuff.

I guess I do think that I'm lying because nobody has ever validated my experience.. I don't know though. I think it's mainly because I've always been told that I'm lying, that I never tell the truth and that no-one will ever believe me... So I guess I think that I'm lying because it doesn't seem real that I'm telling the truth. You know... Reading what I've said, I've confused myself, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd confused all of you here, too! It's all jibberish and jumble to me now...

Beads, I managed to get some sleep last night! Approx. 6 hours, which is better than what I have been getting, but still have to go to the drs, which I'm dreading because they'll propbably check my blood sugar levels

Thank you Manda86. I needed hugs

P7, thank you for believing in me so much. It helps to have others believing in me, although I do wonder how people can believe in me.. But I guess that's down to not believing in myself... Thank you for such kind words everyone... I've really needed this!

I don't feel like I have come very far compared to a lot of people, but then I think about my age and all I've had to carry on my shoulders and I know I'm doing OK. Not great, but ok. I'm still alive. I'm still surviving... Or at least trying to...

I don't even think I have done so much either. Not for myself anyway. I admit I take too much on, I admit I do too much for others and not myself, I admit that I can't do it. I admit... I admit I'm Not OK. I wish I was, but I really am not. I'm confsued, I'm stuck and I feel all over the place. I feel like my life is off the rails and I even told my counsellor this. She nodded her head, she agreed with me, she said she could feel that because of the way I speak, the way I think, the things I do..

I wish I didn't live this life, I wish I wasn't me. I wish I could just be happy. I wish... I wish none of this had ever happened... But then... Who would I be if it hadn't?

Thank you, pomegranate, your words really hit home. I have said sorry over and over, trying to get them to believe me, to love me and care for me, to want me and to forgive me for being such a bad girl. They'll never forgive me, but for some reason I still just keep digging my heels in and stamping my feet, not letting them not love me or want me, or care about me. I feel I Need them to do all these things... I don't. They've hurt me and I've been sorry for too long, i know I have... But I feel like I'll always be sorry...

Of course I don't like feeling the way I am now... I absolutely hate it, hence not wanting to be here anymore.. I feel like it'll never change no matter how hard I try, because it's taking so long to change... Maybe I'm just not seeing the changes... I don't know...

The crying did help, it helped a lot.. It was just so painful... how much more pain will I have to endure before I start to feel better? At the time it helped, but i feel like i have a never ending supply of tears, like I'll never stop crying about it. I'm so f-cking confused and I hate it!!!!! I can't help but beat myself up. After all I'm Always WRONG!!!!!!! ALWAYS! ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SO ******* WRONG!!!! What the hell did I do for them to hit me, to sexually abuse me, to make mee stand in front of a mirror everyday and tell myself what a bad person I am, to taunt me, to hurt me so bad??? Just WHAT did I do???? I know I was a bad kid, too quiet, too stubborn, too passive and easy to control, too stupid and brainless and crap at school, too crap at everything, too weak, too rubbish, too sensitive, too nasty, too disliked. God, I hate myself so much! I just.. I don't understand... Was I really all of that??

All I ever do is try, all I ever do is help others, concentrate on everybody else, not me. I never concentrate on me and that's why things are rough with Connor and I, because when I'm not happy, he's not happy. I'm just doing everything wrong Again!!! Why do I always do things wrong?

I ache. My heart aches, my head aches, my soul aches. Who am I anymore? I feel hollow. Like a nobody, a nothing..