((((((chaotic))))))

I have been thinking a lot about attachment (as it seems we do on this board) and thinking about my attachment to my new T vs my old T and what attachment means in general to me and the definition of it.

I looked it up and the definition I found was something like attachment is "having an affection for" something/someone (synonyms included: fondness, devotion, liking, etc..) This is interesting because as maybe we all experience, the amount of "affection" (ie attachment) we have for all people varies as their attachment to us varies, as do the reasons we are attached to others. This then made me think about how I feel about my T's separately. I really liked my old T, had a lot of affection for her, and enjoyed our relationship/got a lot out of it. BUT- there was something about her interactions that created a lot of confusion and frustration around my feelings of attachment to her. Mostly, I think that she rejected my strong attachment, sometimes in words and sometimes in actions, leaving me feeling like my attachment to her was a BAD thing and that I was wrong for having any feelings about her other than simple positive regard and appreciation for the helping relationship.

My new T has already been completely different, which has made a difference to me and my openness immeadiately. I am quite attached to her, probably because we had a history before I started individual sessions, and have already spoken openly about this and how it feels to me. What has made the difference to me is that I don't feel like I just get lip service from my new T regarding this. I don't feel like she says what she needs to then I get a feeling from her of it being untrue. I feel like she genuinely accepts and sees value in the attachment and takes it very seriously that it is there. That she does not try to change it or seek for me to change it. This leads to me feeling more safe with the attachment that I feel- subsequently I do not find myself rejecting my Self as much, which is a place where I struggle and found got triggered in my old T's rejection of my feelings toward her.

Thinking through all of this helps me because I can translate what I am learning about attachment and how I relate to others into my other current relationships. I struggle with my openness, vulnerability and attachment to others quite a lot. But I am learning how to navigate how to feel safe and when I get signals that tell me another person is not safe. My MO before was to "act as if" all people were not safe (not let them in, not be vulnerable) thereby protecting myself from all harm.

I like that you wrote this...It speaks to the continuum of the relationships and the attachment. Maybe it is when you have more on the line (things to gain or lose from a relationship) that the "attachment" causes more distress. IDK if that is true for you...but seems to be true for me.

Take care, Searching