My divorce is just about over. Earlier this week, H and I met with our team one last time to make some final decisions. T was there as the coach, and was very helpful, as we talked some about post-D relationships. H mentioned that he had introduced our kids to his girlfriend. It was kind of a "bomb" for me, as I hadn't known that. I said, "I didn't know that," and the lawyers were a little like, "hmmm, what do we say to that?" It was a little surprising/hurtful for me to learn that fact in that way, with everyone around (I am a very private person and hate exposure in a "public" setting), with no lead-up or anything, such as, "hey, I probably should have mentioned this before," or "you may not have known this, but...." Just something.

I was talking about that today with T in my session. I mentioned it as a further example of the lack of caring of my H for me. He just has not been cognizant of anyone else's feelings but his own, now or ever. I was proud of myself for saying "I didn't know that," because I think in my pre-therapy days, I would not have said anything. I probably would have been kind of hurt, and entombed any feeling inside so quickly I wouldn't have consciously known what happened or even that there was any feeling. Every day, it seems, I see little ways that I have changed since beginning therapy.

So, our team meetings are over. We will meet one more time (gratis) to sign all the papers and have a bit of a celebration. It's been a long haul. I was happy to write T his last check for coaching duties and noted that as I signed the check and handed it over. The extra cash outlay is not something I am sorry to bid farewell!

I told T today that it just took too long. I am so "bored" with talking about the D and my H with him. It's like the D went on past the time I needed to deal with it. T agreed it had gone on a long time but also said that he was not sorry about that. He believed we were exiting the D with most issues resolved. He said many people have a hard time in the year or so after their D because of unresolved issues, anger, sorrow, etc. We've done a lot of our grieving and don't have a lot of anger left. We're pretty functional and our kids are benefiting. I think we're a success story, but I'm still bored. T said that the last meeting--where we all gather to sign the papers and the team honors our hard work--can be emotional, and every couple reacts differently. He said there is often sadness and some people just cannot tolerate the event and have to leave immediately. He said sometimes one person is very celebratory and the other is not, and that is very hard. He said it is very clear that both my H and I want to celebrate (we were asked this question and both gave the affirmative), and that is wonderful. (I think we will have some champagne, and I want a time to thank each person for their help--speech, speech! I tend toward the sentimental--a trait I've only recognized recently--and this will be the last time I probably will see any of the team except for T. I think T will have some things to say too.) I also think I will be sad, and I told T that. He said, "we're expecting that," and it would be OK. I told him I thought I would be sad but celebratory also, and he nodded as if "or course," and commented that many people don't realize that you can celebrate and be sad at the same time.

Of course, I started getting sad as I thought about all this, and cried a little, just some tears here and there. I said I hoped I wouldn't be too sad at the signing. And then I just totally felt like sobbing. I suddenly wanted to hug T very tightly and just SOB (I felt it in my bones), and then I had this weird visualization. I looked at him sitting across from me and then in my mind's eye, saw myself go over to his place on the couch. I saw us hugging and me sobbing--like a scene from a movie. I played this over a few times in my head as I sat there across from him. I really wanted to sob and have him hold me. I didn't do anything of course and moved on. I have never had a hug from T in the middle of a session or even thought of that, and so this was a new feeling for me.

T is ready to move onward with me too, and says he looks forward to hearing about the other parts of my life. He did look interested and leaned forward with an open and eager face and invited me to share something. So I told him a very positive thing for me right now that I'm very excited about, in the work/career area, and he was happy for me. That is just one thing that is occupying me right now, one thing of importance. I am looking forward to being able to talk to T about the important things in my life and to not being drawn away by the D. The divorce and marriage are of the past.

On the way out, T put his arm around my shoulders and we had a sideways hug. It wasn't the full hug of my mid-session visualization and came after I was past the tears--probably just as well.

I have written a lot about my divorce here on PC, and I am sure I will mention it again, but that journey is largely over. Thank you to all who tuned into my posts and saw snapshots taken along the way. I'll post again about the final celebration and hope I can report that I went through it authentically and without too many tears. (A few are OK.)