I can always feel the pain there, why won't it go away no matter what I do? It just won't bugger off and leave me to be me, get on with my life, move on and just be okay. Why am I not okay? Why do I let it affect me so much? Why am I so weak as to let it get to me everyday?

I have to write a letter to Bryony as one of my tasks set by my counsellor... At first, I got majorly stressed and worried about it because I knew what I wanted to say yet I just didn't know how to put it into words... I started writing and I read what I had written and it seemed soppy, rubbish and just... Like it wasn't from the heart, like I was trying to be pretentious or something, I don't know... Trying to override their power, making it seem like I'm better than they are. Ugh. I'm not any better, I'm worse. I'm nothing. A nobody. I'm not important, my feelings are not important. In the end, yesterday I sat down and started again, but this time I did a spider map first. I put in the middle "My feelings towards Bryony and the situation", then around the outside I put things like "hurt," "angry," "torn apart," "where's my sister gone?" "does she care? I do!" "lost" yeah, they're just some of the things I wrote on there. Then I sorted through them and put them in order of importance for my letter and wrote a 3 page long letter to Bryony. I have to show Sian next week. I'm terrified because she'll be seeing my true feelings and how I really feel about everything and she'll start to know our secret and what if she tells someone? Gaaaahhhhhh! I should know by now that she won't, but what if... What if she does? What if she wants to get them done for what they did to me?

I spoke to one of the SWEDA supporters on msn last night and they said they think I hold a lot of things in and I can't carry it anymore... They asked me if I could try to share our secret with them and reassured me that they will only hold onto it, not tell anyone and to just keep it to themselves to make me feel safer... So I tried. I found it really hard, I was so scared that they'd find out, they will, they always do... I told the supporter that and she said that it seemed that although I'm away from them, I can still be abused by them.. Not neccessarily physically, but moreso emotionally... I said that she was right and that I hated it and I wished I wasn't here anymore, that I could rid them of me, of the person that made their lives hell and continues to do so.. I told the supporter about the times I'd dread every step I took closer to the car when I was meeting Shana from school to go home, how I'd get a slap for answering her when she asked how much trouble I'd caused everyone, then get a punch or a hard tug on my ear for saying sorry. Then get ignored by both Bryony and Shana all the way back and I told her how they talked about me in the car like I wasn't even there, like I didn't exist... Maybe it is better that I don't exist... I told her of the times I'd get humiliated for cutting, how they'd make sure I didn't eat when I said I wasn't hungry one morning... How they'd count all the food in the cupboards and fridge and tell me that if I don't eat now, I don't eat for the rest of the day. I told her things that I've never told anyone before... I felt safe somehow, but still scared that they'd find out... You know?

I did everything wrong, Sannah, I did everything to deserve what I got. I said everything wrong, I would get beaten until I couldn't stand just because I didn't do my jobs in the times set... This is what I told the supporter that I've never told anyone before: The day I broke my ribs... It was an accident... Firstly, I was out riding a bike with my cousins. One of the stopped on a corner and I went into the back of her because I didn't know she'd stopped and she'd stopped so abruptly. So I crashed into her, went flying over my younger cousin, hitting her head, then hit my ribs on the edge of my older cousins' handle bar. I landed face first in the road. Just as I was flying through the air, i car drove past. Didn't stop. So, I landed face first in the road, pain struck my body and I started to scream. Both of my counsins threw their bikes to the side and the younger one (Anna) started crying. She was scared because I was screaming from the pain. The older one (Elizabeth) saw blood pouring out of my elbow and started getting squeamish and backing off. So I was stuck pretty much. Anna finally calmed down a bit and ran to her friend's house to get help. Help came and I was carried to a chair with a glass of water and had a dog planted on my lap XD best bit! My Auntie was called and she sped down the road in her car and screeched to a halt beside me. Struggling to breathe, I explained what happened and continued to cry in pain. My Auntie lifted me up and carried me to her car, lying me in the back. My cousins cycled home and Alison (Auntie) drove me back to her house. I had to go to the hospital to check that my ribs weren't broken. Four were bruised, one was cracked, but I was told to rest up in bed and stay there, not do anything at all or my ribs would never heal properly.

So... I tried to stay in bed. I had a bed with a fouton and desk underneath, so had to climb up and down a ladder to get in and out. Shana didn't care that I yelped in pain everytime I moved. She yelled at me to "get your fat *** out of bed and get some work done, you lazy little s--t!" That was when I fell. I was climbing down the ladder and struggling to get down, when the pain got too much, I lost my grip and fell on my back. I screamed in pain and Shana ran up the stairs, grabbed my ear, yanking me up and screamed and me to quit all the racket, stop being such a wimp and get on with it. She dragged me down the stairs by my ear, still yelping in pain, trying to keep quiet to save another smack. It didn't work. I didn't get my jobs done quickly enough Bryony was home by this time and so was Thomas... Shana hit me. First in the face, then in the ribs. Bryony hit me too. She beat me agian and again in the ribs, face, back, legs, arms, pulled my hair and kept punching, kicking, screaming. I couldn't cry out in pain anymore. I slumped to the floor, attempting to cover my head and my ribs, I couldn't stand up. That's when I heard a mighty Crrrack! And felt a horrendous pain in my ribs.With my nose bleeding, my chest pouding and my ribs throbbing with pain, I begged them to leave me alone. I started to cry, gave them what they wanted - tears, hurt, the reaction they'd been waiting for. They laughed and said "Oh dear, poor cry baby Kirsten, in pain are you? Well deal with it!! That's what you get for not doing your tasks on time! There are no limitations jjust because that stupid asshole doctor told YOU, you pathetic little s--t, to stay in bed!! Get up and finish your jobs. NOW, before I change my mind and kill you!" I got up and stumbled to the garden to feed the chickens. I cried my heart out, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, the world seemed to go black around me. THAT was how my ribs broke. I kept that part from Connor and everyone, telling him and them that the bike fall was the cause of it.

If Connor ever reads this, it'll break my heart. I can't let him see this. I can't let him read what's happened to me, let it hurt him so much. I can't let him know just how much pain they caused me. It'll tear him up. God, what am I gonna do? My ribs never healed properly and I still get hell from them if I do a lot of work. This is hell! I have to apologise, because I made them do that to me, I made them mad because I fell and screamed in pain, i should have put up with it, I didn't do my jobs on time. I was too slow yet again

Why do I let myself do everything wrong?? I never, ever do anything right. I never did. That's why I deserve all of this. I'm scared now. What if They see this and find out I'm telling our secret? What if someone else reads it and knows me and tries to use it as proof to do something about it? What the hell will happen to me then??? I'll be a dead woman walking!!! No! I can't let that happen! I can't let them find out! They'll kill me! Bryony's threatened it before, even pulled a knife out on me and knocked me out by kicking a door down onto my head, so there's nothing stopping her doing it again and succeeding. What am I gonna do?!?! Maybe my best bet is to just delete this whole thing... Then nobody will know I ever wrote it or told anybody our secret... or will they? Course they will!! They always know! ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!

I'm so scared