Hi monty,

thanks for replying to this. you were there and that meant so so much to me so thank you again for that. maybe you re right it could have just been sheer emotional exhaustion... that doesnt sound quite right though... i was there and was aware of what was happening around me but at the same time the inside of my head felt totally disorientated and disconnected. like someone pulled the plug. i was in chat and didnt feel like i should talk which was fine with me because i didnt have anything in my head to say anyway but then i got so petrified of being left alone that i managed to say what i did. after that the conversation we had was like it was coming from somewhere else. from that tiny part of me. im always aware of what im thinking before i say something. of context, effect, appropriateness, what was said before, what might be said after. i wasnt aware of any of that. it was like what i was typing was coming from somewhere that by-passed my brain and just came straight out in the chat. ive been really tired after T before and just about managed to drag myself home and lie down. sometimes straight on the floor when i come in the door cos i cant make it to the bed. but maybe this was just an even deeper tiredness? i dunno.

i dont know about co-consciousness... i dont know at all... did i just sound tired to you if you dont mind my asking? dont bother answering if you dont want to. im really just thinking out loud here. thanks for giving me some thoughts where i can start from.

if ok.