I just read all the posts and I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. I feel like I have failed so many times and it is a horrible and stuck feeling. For me it's punishing myself and there is a part of me that thrives on it - the internal self abuse that I do.

I really believe that SI is reaction - why would you choose to hurt yourself? You wouldn't as b/c for the last 6 years you have been doing other things. This was a reaction and you are not wrong, bad, a failure, incapable of getting past this, you are doing the best you can and that is pretty awesome regardless of what your head is telling you.

So can you take a moment to write yourself a note of kindness, allow that part of you to write it down? The part that is hurting and feels vulnerable and wants to get better but is struggling right now.

You did the best you could in the moment and it's ok and you will be ok. So if you are feeling like you let yourself down, you didn't. You took the time to post here, talked to your T, are dealing (not running away) from some real issues in your life and are willing to learn and explore about what is going on.

That is not failure - that is being courageous and honest. You fell down and it sounds to me like you are taking the steps to get back up.

Most importantly, please be gentle with yourself. You are growing and learning and how can that be wrong?

Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.