I am so sorry you are feeling this way
are you seeing a therapist? I know how you feel about the lonely in a crowd thing - thats me too - take care and try to do 3 things every day that are kind to you - like a long bubble bath, a favourite food - or buy some fresh flowers to brighten the place up.
take care P7
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up! 
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture 
)
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet