I saw my T this week and she had the letter I had given her. We jumped right into the letter when the session started. I was so nervous about it but I said to her, why not, the worst you could do is throw me out of here. She said, I'm not going to throw you out.

She handed the letter to me and asked her what I really wanted to talk about in the letter. So I brought up some of the comments she made that really got to me. Then she asked for it back and said is there anything you missed, I said no and she read over it again and talked about a few other things.

She apologized for some of how she said things. But there was one thing that she was not going to change her mind on and that was the need for breaks. I told her that I had never taken one, even with my past T. She said something to the effect that she thinks it is really healthy for people to take breaks when it gets to be too much, or if it starts to interfer with things like school work ect. Even if its just a one week break.

I said that I asked on a site that I use if people had taken breaks before and many had said that even after two years they never had, except for vacation. She asked me which sites I used, and I came right out and told her both of them. (Inside I immediately thought, why did she need to know that? I felt like, wow, now its not going to be safe for me to post she could see it ect...)

She said how do you know you can trust the people that post. I said I read the information and if alot of the responses are similar I use my judgment. She said something to the effect that online communication is not the safest, and that email and online communication are not the best that face to face is what I need to work on.

Anyways, In my head I was thinking taking a break from the heavy type sessions certainly, I can see that, but a break from therapy itself doesn't seem wise to me giving the fact that things were too overwhelming.

Then I apologized for telling her that I didn't want to be in therapy forever that my saying that may sound like I didn't appreciate what she is doing, but that I am really thankful for what she does.

Then I said, I read on a site that some people had been with therapists for years, some even 10-17 years. She said with the same therapist, I said yes. She said something to the effect that its not healthy for the client, nor even the therapist. That their job is to get the client to a place of independence not dependence. To see one that long would be an unhealthy dependence. She said, I can see 2-3 years not being a problem but much longer than that can be an issue. Now maybe she told me this because I told her I didn' want to go forever, but I am not sure. Then she said, to go stop and go again is normal. To know down the road when you need it again and then go at that point but not that many years steady and not with the same therapist.

In my head, I immediately went to thinking, ok, so now I have a 2-3 year time frame to get through this stuff. I have seen her for about 7 months now and feel like I am just beginning. Having that time frame in my head now makes me feel pressured. This stuff is so dang complicated.

My first T told me that it could take years given my background but never said how long, I felt much more comfortable hearing it that way. Maybe my new one felt that I needed to hear a time frame since I told her I didn't want to go forever. Then I was thinking, still, her opinion of whats healthy doesn't mean its right. I have a hard time accepting people's opinions especially when you hear so many different ones.

Anyways, at one point, she asked me if her responses from the session that I had an issue with made me feel like she didn't believe me, like my mom. I never thought of it that way, but that may be part. I felt more like I was doing something wrong because of her responses. One response was where did that come from, that had nothing to do with what we were talking about and the other one was, you already told me that before.

We talked about me emailing her as well. I use to do it once after every session. She told me in the beginning that I could but that face to face would get easier in time. This time when I addressed it she said, you can do it but we really want you to get to the place where you can tell me here and not depend on email. Again, in my head, I thought ok, its wrong to do it, so I am not going to do it anymore, because I could tell she was not impressed with it. I am very very sensitive to people's behavior, tones, body language ect. This week, I purposely didn't send one. I hate that I feel like I can't because I need to be able to do that.

I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing, with the right person and not going to end up worse off in the end. I analyze everything, I mean everything. I have such a huge issue with trust, and also fear abandonment, to the point where I will back out if I feel a threat of that coming. This is my life we are talking about, growing up no one looked out for it, and the ones who were suppose to abused me. Now I have this huge need to control everything about it so as not to be hurt again. I am hoping therapy can help me balance this out.

I look out for other people the same way, I am very sensitive towards them, and always tend to worry whether others are being taking care of as well.

Am I the only one who worries so much about sessions, or who is very ridgid with myself?
Do you ever find yourself analyzing everything your T says and does? I feel like I am looking for something to say see I told you so. I hate doing that which is another reason why I am in therapy. I think I'm more screwed up than I thought....

I will be so embarrassed if my T reads this, I really hope she doesn't view this site after telling her I use it.