TPND, I'd like to tell you my impression of what's happening with you. You don't have to agree with it, or even read if you don't want to.

(Pomegranate, some of this might fit you too. I can say up front that it does, and has, fit me, though I'm not currently feeling quite as much in the midst of it as you and TPND seem to be.)

oooooooooooooo Entering FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step. oooooooooooooo

It sounds as if, with all the horrid stuff that's happened to you, you've set up part of yourself to watch over you and keep you safe, or at least safer. Sort of an inner watchdog: when anything bad comes your way it'll bark to let you know, and when it's not barking you can relax a little and attend to other things.

With all the nasty stuff that's happened, though, your watchdog has had an awful lot of watching and protecting to do. You've given it a whole lot of power by now, and it takes its job very, very seriously. It hardly ever lets up warning you any more.

When something good starts to happen, to your watchdog that's a sign of terrible danger: what if you don't heed its warnings and let your guard down! If you ask for some of your power back so that you can start looking and learning for yourself whom and what to trust, that's another sign of terrible danger: what if you should make a mistake! Your watchdog's job is to stop you from ever doing anything risky. It's determined to keep you safe even if it has to kill you first.

As for what to do about it... (Remember, this is still only FZ's fantasy and not binding on you in any way.) ... right this minute, I don't think you'd get very far just putting your foot down and telling your watchdog to lay off. It wouldn't, anyway -- it would just growl at you and tell you to lay off and remind you who's boss and I hate to say it, but it would even be (sort of) right. Without someone (or something) looking out for you, you wouldn't last a New York minute.

So I think the trick will be to steal your power back from your watchdog and gradually work yourself into the job of looking out for yourself and learning to distinguish friend from foe. Start by taking turns, standing watches like they do at sea, though at first maybe only five seconds on, five hours off. You can work up later, maybe much later, to five hours on, five seconds off. When you're on watch, thank your watchdog and tell it to go get some rest. Naturally it'll hate like hell to give up any part of its job. It's sure to bark and call you names, but just let it; that's what you once told it to do, and it doesn't want to be caught shirking. If it bites you, see if you can get the idea that it's only you biting you, that you can do it more if you want to -- so you can also do it less and when you're good and ready, stop.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is first to start watching your watchdog, then to start learning to watch out for yourself.

oooooooooooooo Leaving FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step. oooooooooooooo

Your comments are invited.