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Elysium · Jun 06, 2009, 11:11 PM

MeSo....

I am glad that you are writing this and expressing your feelings!! That is very important.

A lot of people in the abuse forum don't talk so much about their abuse, I think because they are afraid to trigger themselves, and they are afraid to trigger others. Plus, it's just plane hard to talk about.

In regards to your journals and how you organize them by perpetrator. I am sorry that you even have to do that, but if that works for you and it helps you make sense of some things, I say go for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that if it is helpful to you.

I have an understanding of what you are saying about feeling confused about whether you have alters or not and why they don't get on with it and tell you things. We created our systems when we were young to protect ourselves from bad things. We basically created suit cases that we could store our experiences in and hide away in storage, and we built them good so nothing could leak out. It is not abnormal to not have an understanding of your system or a dialogue between parts. They are there to protect you and keep you safe from these experiences and they will only release things to you as you are ready for them. To release them all at once could be catastrophic for you.

Over time, working with your T, you will gain more understanding and communications with your system. It takes LOTS of patience and work, but you will get there. If you do have parts...they are doing what they were created for, and with time and trust with T, they will slowly start to emerge and after some time you will hopefully develop some co-consciousness.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I just wanted you to know that maybe you are right were your supposed to be on your journey, and that as bad as it feels, it is okay to be confused and you will not be this way forever. Most importantly, please know you are not alone and I will be here for you if you ever need anything.