I'm sorry you are going thru this. Do you have any friends or people who support you that you can call & talk to?
When I run pole to pole, I'm in a mixed state, but I have a friend that when she runs pole to pole she is ultra rapid cycling. So I don't know exactly what is going on with you, but it's important that you talk to a human being. If you don't have anyone you know that you trust, then can you call a hotline? I think I have a hotline number you can call. 1-800-273-TALK. It's a suicide prevention hotline, but it's really for anyone who is having an emotional crisis.
I hope it helps. Good luck