My first therapist and I worked on this. She really wanted me to build up my outside support system. I thought I was getting support by going to a therapist. No, she said, she couldn't do it all, and I needed to have family and friends to give support. I was resistant to doing this. I told her I did not want to burden people with my problems or ask them favors they might feel obligated to do but not really want to or impose on them, etc. She then asked if I provided support to friends and family. The answer was yes. She wanted to know if I felt burdened by this or resentful or imposed on. The answer was no. She asked how it made me feel to help my friends. My answer was good. Then she wanted to know why I thought my friends and family wouldn't behave and feel similarly. I don't know! It just was not the same. I think my mother was not good at meeting my needs so I learned not to ask. And in my marriage, I did not get to ask for stuff because the answer was always no. I still remember one time when I was about 9 months pregnant with my first baby, and my H and I were going to childbirth class with other first time parents. The instructor had said how the man could give the woman a massage from time to time to ease her discomfort and back ache. A number of the people in the class said yes, they had tried this and it really helped. Both my H and I heard this. It seemed to me like this gave me permission to ask my H for a massage and good reason to expect he might do it willingly. So a number of days later when my back was really hurting, I asked him if he could give me a back massage, and he looked at me with some kind of repulsion/disgust on his face. Certainly he did not want to do this! He reluctantly agreed but he so did not want to, and this made me uncomfortable. So after a couple of minutes, I let him off the hook and we stopped. Why could all the other wives get a back massage and have it be a positive experience? I must be "unworthy" in some way, or so my thinking went. I don't really think it was the massage per se that my H disliked, it was having to say "yes" to me about something and give me something and so lose a little control. He was just so ungiving in all ways and kept on top that way. This is how we learn not to ask for what we need--because those who are supposed to be close tell us time and time again "no". It is really, really hard to unlearn this. I am trying, but the person I ask for help/support has to be pretty trustworthy before I'll risk getting a "no" or look of repulsion/disgust/loathing/reluctance. It would be really hard to attach to a person like that.