Thanks muchly for all your words of wisdom.

i have lots of things i know about r.a. and can't explain how i know and it took me a long time to explore that (years) so i know i'm not trying to wear an experience that isn't mine.

The thing is, i don't remember remember. The closest thing i remember to all that is a time my brother took me to a church and we left before even sitting down. It wasn't a Catholic or a Lutheran church (my family split the kids into those two religions yet, i kid you not, i was the ONLY one who went to church. alone). He looked down at me as we stood in the aisle and asked if i wanted to go and i said yes and we left. WHY? i FEEL he knew damn well why. i FEEL he was testing his power because that church...fits my dreams and a flashback.

But i don't remember remember things happening that match the content of my dreams/nightmares. i guess i won't go into that here.

i know dissociative memory is different than regular memory. If i was zoned out in order to survive, no wonder i can't remember remember. Still, it's quite maddening. Crazy making.

i know it happened. i feel it deep in my gut. But self doubt comes SO fn easily. This spiral...that word means something hmmm.

To my parts: i'm sorry