meso,

i wish i'd written yesterday. when i saw you'd deleted i mistakenly thought you didn't want to get into something. i get frustrated (not with you) on here because i don't know how much is too much and i do not want to trigger anyone because we've all been hurt so damn much already. but i relate to every single posting since you started this thread. i got the idea along the way that if i was not careful and wrote stuff i'd gone through in r.a. i might hurt others and bring up horrors. i am torn between wanting to hide from my past and blurt it all out and beg someone to come and hold me and rock me (metaphorically speaking, in cyberspace). we all sort of dance around what stuff and yet this place is one place i've found the most support and most "kinship" or "fellowship",- in this Club We Never Wanted to Be In...

the multiples in your head are not (imo) witholding things from you on purpose. i have all kinds of multiples who have jobs that are conflicting with each other but were all created for a need at the time. even some of my more destructive parts did what they did to help me and sometimes they just don't understand we don't need the old jobs in the same old way we did as kids. it's not like my alts are messing with me in mean ways, on purpose (though some have done so in the past) - although those who abused me did their best to do exactly that - screw me coming and going and put me in double binds. they did their best to drive me insane or self-destructive. they wanted me to wreak havoc in the place i am and then destroy myself. they were sick bastards who are probably rotting in hell now.

meso, so much you wrote sounds like things i've thought and tried to figure out. i have these horrendous, extreme "memories" that many times have no feelings attached and i have horrendous, hideous feelings sometimes and no exact explanation in my head of why these feelings are here and what to do about them. WHAT SAVED ME AS A KID IS SCREWING ME UP SEVERELY AS AN ADULT. i developed a Super-Strong denial system. they convinced me that if i ever told and got someone to believe me that i would die slowly and in excruciating pain. they made me believe. so when memories began to creep up on me - many years after they did this stuff to me, it's been really hard to get past the deep denial. as a kid i even turned the "lights off" in my mind to "not see" memories clearly and "not see" my inside people and all sorts of stuff.

i don't tell, partly to not trigger anyone and partly because i'm afraid of being called an effing liar, lunatic, attention-seeker, and some other unsavory names. if the man i married 29 years ago refuses to believe me and only my two daughters believe me - speaking of family....it feels very risky to tell anyone my story. (basic outline: my mom's parents were both into occult, him satanism, her into rosecrucianism.though they eventually divorced i'm not clear on all they did to me. their kids were abused in the coven. my mom abused me and allowed them to use me in rituals. i had a 4th grade satanist for a teacher and my first pastor was a satanist. i figure that is enough info to show that i was really messed up in r.a.)

meso and all who wrote before me, i don't know what the answer is, but i believe you and know that i wish i had places where i could just say things. i've been coming here for over 9 months and i've read many posts and seen many people in excruciating pain and dangerous places. i don't want to be the one who puts more pain in anyone's life, i don't wanna push their switches. so....i'm guessing that is why many of us dance around some of the stuff that is bugging us to death. we tend to talk about the daily struggles of living in a world that doesn't understand us at best and disrespects us or harms us at worst. we need more. i think we deserve more. i'm just not sure how we can have more and yet in looking for our help, "do no harm" to anyone else.

my husband is looking at job pay cuts or losing the job he's held for 21 years and i was trying to be supportive and he said something about who was i to talk when i don't do much of anything. right now that is the "literal" truth, but not the whole story. his words slapped me down and i was just trying to give him the emotional support i wish he could give me and it turned out badly. i am not in love with being dissociative. i don't want excuses to sit on the sidelines and be on the sicklist. i don't want pity or sympathy; i want to get well. it is taking me so much longer than i ever thought it would. i would work if i could hold my head together and deal with the chronic pain. i am willing to be well and be responsible - this was not my idea of who and what i wanted to be in life - being a career psych-client. BUT, no matter what he thinks of me, I am becoming kinder to myself and I respect the hell out of my alts. Everyone of them has done what they can to help me survive - which is in direct opposition to the abuser's goals for me. I lived a childhood that felt like a concentration camp and no one lifted a finger to help me back then. Being me and still alive makes me some kind of a war-hero even though the world doesn't see the battles or acknowledge the war I've been in since 1953. All of us here on this forum are trying to survive and recover from wherever we are when we start on our road to recovery. I hope we can all continue to be kind and supportive to each other and maybe at some point there can be some way we can find to tell things we need/wish to get off our chests and out of our minds. it's just that today i don't know how to do that without being inappropriate or reined in by those who moderate these groups to protect the vulnerable.

keep talking meso and friends. these things you are saying are important.

Leslie and all her Pixies