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On futher reflection. I remember saying how I am terrified that all I've said about my upbringing is untrue if I have this spoilt child within me, and perhaps I did overpower my mother and all her "training and rules" should have been enought for me to learn.
T said, you feel wanting me to stay and look after you, take care of you is being spoilt? er, I guess it doesn't. I see even more now how my mothers unconsious communication with me was that I must never demand anything off her because she can't cope with my wants and needs.
Suddenly my wanting T to not go doesn't seem so huge or unreasonable now, and her calmness in responding to my "demand" is so warming.
T said, this reminds me of a baby lying in a cot waking up and wanting to cry and be held, but afraid too. Sigh, yes my denial of wanting to be soothed/comforted begun very early, hence my non competitive nature in life, I refused to accept that loosing reminded me of not getting something, but I've been running from this hot seering pain within, except now, its no longer possible to run, I am actually for the first time accepting that looking forward to recieving Ts postcard is ok, its ok to want something nice from someone.
I can't believe that all wkend I'd been feeling like a spoilt brat because the feelings inside don't want T to go in the summer, but now its been aired, they feel pretty average and even dare I say??? Ok to have said!, I see now how much I wasn't able to ask for love growing up, its like learning to speak in a new language.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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