first, the apology: i'm tired. beyond belief. i do know i am flitting in and out of threads, but not really following them up. ditto to ppl who pm me. i'm so sorry, and i wish i had the energy to reply, but i can't right now. i feel awful because (especially to those ppl i need to reply to pms for). even this apology sounds clunky. almost like iff i just write the word then it'll convey the feeling, without me expressing it myself. im feeling quite dead, to be honest.

i dont know even how much sense this making. im gonna leave that there. just wanted to expresss somethng like - thanks for pming/respond to my posts, i want to follow them up and i will when i can get head/heart back into gear.

next, the question: im increasinly starting to want this T/pdoc thingy to go back to the business transaction model. i go, i pay, T imparts knowledge, i change. ditto pdoc - i go, i pay, pdoc prescribes, i... have a reduction in symptoms, or something.

none of this trust stuff, or opening up stuff, or genuine communication or relating or anything. i really like with new-T how there isn't a genuine relationship or anything right now. i just go, we talk about my ocd thing, about me wanting to exercise and blah blah and then i leave. he has said some things which have really hurt me in the past, but i don't really want to address them anymore, because i know it'll open us up a bit to getting closer, or something. i dont want there to be any sort of acknowledgement about 'us', i just want it to be about me and my stuff and no sort of connection that might eventually draw me in and want me to trust that person.

or... kind of... i just want to maintain my independence and separateness. not encourage anything that might make me break and want to rely on someone else in the future.

this is ok with new-T, i just need to be aware of what leads where, and make sure i dont take the wrong path. but with pdoc, who's already in my inner sanctum, i don't know how to 'reset' the relationship. i want to get that distance back. i dont know how to do it. just looking for suggestions.